Tomorrow Would You Do It All Again?

[Kaytren Li]

Two chestnut-haired women stood in the kitchen area. The elder of the pair had moved to the counter. She’d intended to cut the tops from a plate of berries, but Kaytren found her attention fading yet again from the strawberries and the small fruit knife in her hands, to muse thoughtfully over the decades-faded latices of marks on her hands and wrists.

“You’re sure you’re good?” Ashlin’s voice pierced through the distractions with a mildly apologetic chuckle for breaking her mother’s reverie. She'd known that it would, but the younger woman spoke and moved lightly just the same. “Trade these with me.”

A bittersweet, but pride-filled smile played at the corner of the Healer’s mouth while she met eyes with her grown daughter. Kaytren relinquished the little kitchen knife in return for the pair of earthen tea mugs that Ashlin had pulled from a cabinet and held out to her. Even after all the years and turns they’d taken, Kaytren knew as well Ashlin did that seeing each other could be like talking to a mirror.

“Mhm... I’m sure I am. Are you?”

“Oh-yes,” Ashlin answered matter of factly, but with a not-so hidden flare of satisfaction when her mother chuckled at the reference. Finished with the fruit, Ashlin brushed the tops into the compost bin. She set the plate neatly on a tray beside the empty teacups, rinsed her hands, and tucked the cleaned utensil away into a drawer. “We all are. I’m going to go.. make myself very busy somewhere far away from either of you… But, I’m not worried about any of it.” (Talk away.)

She brushed her hands absently against the hem of her tunic to dry them. Then Ashlin gave her mother a brief embrace, and left Kaytren to herself in the room.

* * *

[Julian Orspach]

He walked in and bowed deeply, he had of course met Master Li before, he knew her and who she was to the order, in fact she was the stuff of legend, some good, some bad. She was more than that to him though, she was the mother of two of the best Jedi he had ever met or would ever care to meet in his life. He had thought about that for a moment before his mind switched gears, the two of them were more than just Jedi, they might as well have been family.

That being all said, Kaytren Li, just like all heroes of the order being in her presence was an honor, but at the same time what brought them together on this day was something that they had in common. Some terrible thing that they managed to have in common. No he was not a Councilor, nor was he sure if that was something he ever wanted to be, after all he was just a Jedi.

He looked down to the side, his eyes moving but his head stayed still, there were of course plants in here why wouldn't there be? Healers were interesting individuals who spent their time gardening instead of dueling. His eyes caught his upper left bicep as they were returning to meet her gaze. In tiny aurebesh characters that traced his electrical scars from the torture were the names of the fallen, the names of those who Kaini had slain. He thought no better place for them than adorning his scars, a reminder of what could happen if he allowed himself to be taken again a reminder of his own failure.

"Master Li, good evening."

[Kaytren Li]

Kaytren dipped her head and shoulders in answer to the half-Zeltron Knight’s bow, then straightened and met his gaze. She offered him a faint smile, the quiet warmth of it reflected in her voice and mannerisms. He was welcome. She wanted him to know that.

“Good evening, Julian. You’re welcome to use ‘Kaytren’ if you choose. I don’t think we need to be very formal.”

She watched the man's movements, quietly absorbing the way his eyes moved around the simple living space to her plants, and the way his gaze seemed to catch back on his own scars and tattoos for a moment. Kaytren hadn’t had the chance to look at the lines closely yet. They'd seen each other in the past few weeks of course; but not alone, and not... really. She couldn’t quite decipher the script in his tattoos now without staring, but she looked his arms over with a physician's gaze just the same. Her instincts told her that he didn’t mind.

There was nothing all that imposing about the Master Healer. Whether from her work in the Force or something other, the Corellian human woman seemed barely elder than Julian or her children, except perhaps Zhi. Julian was also taller then she was. Kaytren stood shorter and with a lighter frame than either of her daughters: significantly so in Nomi’s case, and still the slightest bit smaller than Ashlin.

She was dressed simply; if anything almost a bit less traditionally ‘Jedi’ than her guest was. Tan linen pants, bare feet, and a pale blue tunic with half-length sleeves. The familiar leather belt at her waist held a silver-white lightsaber hilt and a few serviceable pouches; she was Jedi after all. As for her own arms, time-faded scars crossed and fought with each other down the visible lengths of her arms and spilling down onto her right hand, only ceasing abruptly at a muted line that banded her left wrist like a crooked bracelet. Her shirt's neckline was fairly high, but a few traces of the jagged stories crept up against the base of her throat, or on the back of her neck behind her braid.

Kaytren breathed in and went quiet for a moment, just watching him. Eventually she gestured politely to a mat by the door where her boots and sandals lay neatly beside each other. Once upon a time, there had been a pile of various family and students' shoes there. But for right now, they were all grown or gone elsewhere.

"I thought I'd make some tea if you'd like to sit? Or, there's a yard we can walk in. I haven't weeded it yet, but it's fine… My attention is all yours either way.”

[Julian Orspach]

His eyebrow arched a bit, Kaytren? That was interesting less formal and militaristic than he had been accustomed to, but times had changed and so had he. A title was not what made one a great leader and standing on ceremony was certainly not something that would make one a better leader. Perhaps the humble and quaint first name basis was better than the titles that were so often used in the order. If it was it would be something he would have to get used to, especially if he ever took a Padawan, which was a thought all it's own that he most certainly did not have headspace for right now.

He moved and sat down on the mat, crossing his legs. He turned his head to the side a bit realizing his mistake, he stood up and kicked his boots off and placed them on the mat. He chuckled a bit and rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't wish to trouble you but, I've always preferred coffee, but if tea is what we're having that is fine as well."

It was not at all lost on him that her eyes caught sight of his scars, the scars that he had debated removing, the scars that served as a daily reminder as to why he was sitting here right now with Kaytren. His purple eyes fell to the floor, he knew she was not imposing or intimidating, in fact she was practically family. It was not her or who she was that was somewhat intimidating, it was the subject matter that he would be bringing up shortly.

"You noticed my scars? I had the names of all of those Kai......I killed tattooed over them. I wanted to honor them in some way and...seeing their names every day, well I suppose that is the least I could do for them."

He exhaled through his nose, his eyes were a bit narrow and his expression was calm, but at the same time seemed to hint that there was something lurking beneath it.

"I suppose you know why I wanted to meet with you?"

[Kaytren Li]

’Well, I don't wish to trouble you but, I've always preferred coffee…’

“I like you.” Kaytren spoke with a faint smile when she’d watched the Knight find his bearings in her living space. There was an uncanny familiarity to it all for a few seconds when he rolled his eyes at himself, but also countless subtle reminders that this one was Julian. Not the father he’d never met, nor his uncles, nor his grandfather… Julian.

Reaching out with a small tap in the Force, Kaytren lightly flicked the switch on the water kettle that occupied part of her counter space. She watched the man who’d been her youngest daughter’s childhood accomplice mention his scars again, briefly explaining the relevance of the neat lines of tattoos. In the privacy of her mind, the Healer murmured wordless thanks for the gifts that surrounded them both in this moment; no matter what else had happened. She nodded.

“Yes. I do. Although.. I wondered if you realized how many reasons you might have had. But I’m glad you came, and we have time, I think.”

She breathed in and murmured something about excusing herself for a moment, and stepped away. When she returned a few moments later, Kaytren handed Julian a dusky green earthenware mug with flecks of brown and gold. She carried a similar cup for herself of steeping red tea, but Julian’s contained Corellian caf with a little cream and a sliver of tang bark. “Try that.”

The dark-haired Jedi Healer sat down on one of the sofas and tucked her legs up beneath her. She took a careful sip, and then shifted her hold to let the back of her right hand soak in the warmth from the mug. The firelight in her eyes burned softly as she looked from the cup in her hands, to the lines on his arms, and met his gaze.

“What can I do for you, Julian?”

[Julian Orspach]

Purple eyes followed the healer and he listened to her and let her words hang in the air for a few moments, he pondered how many different reasons she could be referring to. He took the warm mug and sipped it, it was a bit hot, but a burn on the bottom of his lip was certainly not more than he could handle. The hot liquid had a refreshingly soothing taste to it as it trickled down his throat, good coffee was like warm hug of a long lost friend. It embraced you in it's warmth and held you just long enough to ensure you were okay.

This was good coffee.

He sat down carefully with the mug, Jedi or not, spilling good coffee was a crime that would make a Sith quirk an eyebrow at you and your overwhelming lack of moral fortitude. He half smiled as he looked down at this mug, he brushed his tongue against the small bump that had formed on the inside of his lip from sipping the coffee a bit too soon. It was small burn, but it reminded him of what had actually happened and what had brought him here this day. Sometimes what winds up burning you is the thing you least expect, the thing that makes you who you are can be so easily turned against you to destroy who you are.

As a Jedi Knight Julian understood what had happened to him and what he had been through. On some level he had come to terms with it at least intellectually, but emotionally he doubted that he would ever quite be the same again and that was okay. The horrid nature of what he had done and what was done to him grounded him and highlighted all of his weaknesses, ones that were perhaps lurking in the shadows before.

"What can you do for me?"

He paused and let that question to her question hang in the air for a long moment, allowing it to ripen and fully mature in his mind before he dared to harvest it and prepare it for his mind to consume.

"I don't really have an answer to that, but I do wonder how I could be of better use to the order after what I have been through. I also wondered if we could figure out a way to defend against this kind of thing in the future and..."

He paused as if the next words were so heavy that he questioned if he was correct in mentioning them. He took another sip of coffee and took a deep breath.

"...if nothing else teach our Jedi to join with the force if there is no other option. I was trained for torture, you've been through it, but....it's something."

He tapped his fingers lightly on the mug thinking about some of the horrors he had been put through, but he felt okay, he wasn't scared, he was traumatized a bit by it, but he was as good as he could be and not at all in a bad spot, but talking about it was a bit different.

"No training ever prepared me to be a prisoner in my own mind. Nothing prepared me for Kaini."

[Kaytren Li]

The tea mug was a small, warm, anchor in her hands. Kaytren wished for a moment that her husband were here, or Erril; or Leyana, even for a childlike moment just the soft rustling breeze of her grandfather's presence. But she had peace enough. She smiled faintly and let the whiteness relax from her knuckles, still holding the cup.

Julian had burned his lip. It didn’t seem to trouble him. Kaytren regarded him quietly throughout his careful words and the heavier pauses. The Ashla was enough for him, too. She knew that, but she remained just as grateful for both their sakes.

“I was trained for it. That's important because it was as much as so many of us were from the time. The Order was more fragmented in those decades... at least compared to when you were born, but I was Jedi from childhood, Julian. I was older than you. A Healer on top of that, who learned what evil and hate are capable of from seeing so many others' wounds from Sith and the wars. That wasn't even the first time I'd been captured... or tortured. Let alone just singled out to be mistreated and wounded. But that was blacker than any of the others, and then... when all the chips were down... You’re right. It was something.” She answered the taller young Jedi after a time, gradually voicing one thought after another.

“There was nothing they wanted. There was sick logic and goals sometimes. Spite and revenge over things that I'd done, or people that I took from them. But no real goal they could agree on for more than a day or a few... It's blurry, but that was just it. The preparation I'd had in life up to that point was useless when there were just fear and agony one hour, then dull fever, or an itch, a pinprick, a talent taken away, a hand taken away. Muscle cramp you can't do anything about. The worst migraine for... weeks, from that blasted mask. But then medication and some half-baked attempt at healing. Someone helped me eat. Sometimes that wasn't terrible. Then half a day's rest until whoever won the posturing for the day started with some... new plan at how to unhinge me while they had the chance, or how to embarrass the Order, or... to teach— There was more. I don't know that you'd want to hear that yet. But the whole senseless thing was nothing ‘eleven’, let alone past that. Not so much ten. It was nines, and fives, and sevens, and insults, and threats to my child, and healing, and torturing my friend. It was much worse, but so much better after Ashlin was gone. She was born one of the first nights into all that. They'd hand her to a nurse or leave her in a blanket on the floor for a few hours, while they picked some revengeful goal for the day with me, or let the agony amplify until it made my.. my brother frantic, or friends, or the Order who were all helpless to do anything about it. They meant to 'save' Ashlin for later to crush me, I think. But they took too long and someone stole her from them. She was a few days old. I didn't see her for so long, but that was better. Then it was spitefulness and burns... Tens and shocks and bacta right along with the worse of it.. sixes, and fours, and eights, and politics, and nines, and sevens, and mocking the corpse of a youngling. And ten. I would still have lost my grip on sanity without help. But I did have help after one of the worst days. A friend... Not Lightsided, but to me he'd been a friend. He never touched the restraints, but he broke through feverish shields into my mind and waited through all my stubborn pride until I listened to him. And he gave me a more valuable lesson of how to live through that, than any Jedi to that point had ever done. Why? That shouldn't have happened, but too many from the council had stopped teaching it. Looking back, too many students I knew were broken from that. So...”

She finally sipped her tea again, watching the subtle tap of Julian’s fingers against his mug.

“The Sith lost the game in politics eventually. Someone carried me home. I held my daughter. I was thankful. My heart felt shattered in pieces and I could never sleep without nightmares. I was a better Jedi. Much better. It just took time. The Council at Uvena Prime had... They died in the wars, really. The Praxeum was destroyed. More masters than I could count from that generation died a blaze of war. Some of the survivors faded away. I wasn't ready at first, but the galaxy didn't wait so we breathed in and we started again. And...

While we gathered the scattered Jedi and prepared the citadel on Bakura, and when we were steadier and we made plans to restore Coruscant... I ‘wondered’ time and again how I could be of better use to the Order after what I'd been through... It wasn't only me, but.. I fought hard to find a way to defend against that in the future. We changed the lessons. We prepared the students. All of the students. Because hatred exists. The model of training where Jedi whispered and left it to discretion, or taught only the — the ones thought most at risk... was no longer working in this galaxy. I didn't know what the years would bring. I didn't know that the Force would call so many of us away. I wish we had, but that was what it was. Evil happens. If the Jedi exist, and we ask you to be Jedi, we knew evil would hurt some of you... That at least few of you would need the foundation. There is always more to it than just ‘training,’ but I fought.... so hard to give you better tools Julian.”

The soft-spoken Healer breathed out, watching the man's face, and mentally scanning back over everything she'd just done her best to tell him.

“Yours was........ extreme. That should never exist, but it does. Ashlin holds it so tight to her chest, but she didn't need to say much. You were so young that I'm appalled, but being older wouldn't make it any less appalling. I don't know exactly what your training was like those very last few years... You were eleven when I saw you last? But, you continued growing under pressure without resources. I see you understood enough. It shows. And then here we are.”

[Julian Orspach]

”There was nothing that they wanted.” The sickeningly wicked notion of that thought stung him nearly as if he could feel the scourge of electricity pulsing through his body again. His eyes flashed and he was naked on the table again for a moment, he blinked and gripped the mug a little tighter pulling him back into the moment. Steadily he took a sip of the warm soothing liquid that brought comfort to his body and soul. He wasn’t there anymore, he was here with Kaytren and they were talking about it. He had never openly discussed the finer details of it, Nomi had gotten some details out of him over the years, but it was never more than he felt she could handle and never so little that she felt he was holding back from her, that would just make her angry.

He nodded to Kaytren as she spoke, the heaviness of the conversation hung in the air, but there was no tension between the two Jedi, they had something in common. Something wickedly horrendous in common, she spoke about the numbers, a six here, a seven, ten there, and she even mentioned his eleven plus and it all sounded so scientific, so clinical, and exact. The truth of it was that they were all absurd, the numbers and their meanings. The need to have a pain scale ranked so that they as Jedi could better understand the level of torture that they had been forced to endure was simply insanity of the highest order. The fact that all of this was needed was so unnerving to him, he had spoken openly about the pain scale since he was a child and in the last two years or so it became even more relevant to him and any around him who had asked the question of what he had been through. He had become some sort of curiosity amongst some of the Jedi, not in any way that was bad, it was just something as he had said and as she had repeated. He noticed younger Jedi more and more, especially younger Guardians looking to him for guidance and this was never his goal. He remembered that pink eleven year old face looking back at him in the mirror with the gash in his forehead put their by Nomi, the smile he had as he looked to that cut as a learning experience, the type of Jedi he would become would be just like her and his father, he was Just a Jedi and that’s all he ever wanted to be was just a simple Jedi Guardian. That all changed when everyone left and it had never been the same since, he wondered if that was the will of the force or as Kaytren called it the Ashla.

His purple eyes wondered down into his mug again, longing for days when his biggest problem involved where his next cup of coffee was going to come from and how he was going to finally beat Nomi in a duel, he had already bested Jachai once and she was next. He looked towards Kaytren as she continued to speak.

”I’ll take a look at them”

Her description of what she had been through would not leave his mind. It all sounded so unorganized and in a brief moment he heard a voice from deep within his own mind speak to him in a subtle whisper.

::Unorganized chaos has no place amongst good Sith.::

He closed his eyes and nodded quietly to himself, Kaytren and the voice from whom he did not care to hear, but did indeed speak the truth. A truth that had amongst it dark connotations, once that would frighten him if he were to allow it.

”The Dark Side is so interesting Master Li, so terrifyingly interesting. It has the power to taint anything it touches in ways that are unimaginable, yet it always seems to create a weakness in anything it taints for the light to eventually dismantle the abomination. For example the Sith that dared to inflict that nonsensical evil on you. I am sure that they had their reasons, they were surely complex and made sense to them, but each one of them seemed to have their own idea of what they wanted out of it. So they fought over it and in the end, they hurt you but did any of them truly accomplish anything? As Kaini is whispering in my mind, they just weren't very good at being Sith. It was their bickering that might well have saved you. You mention sevens, nines and a few tens.”

He shook his head in disgust.

”No they weren’t my eleven plusses as you say, but at least mine were organized in some way that made sense. I didn’t know what that sense was at the time, but I did know that there was no dissension amongst the ranks, no added fear of not knowing who they would get their way and then what was going to happen. That must have been awful for you in ways I can only pretend to imagine, the uncertainty of it all, that damn mask, is…I had my own version of that but, I know exactly what you are speaking of.”

A tremble shot through his body as he closed his eyes and saw the wire cage descending over his face and he felt the heat of the spark of electricity starting to arc and…his eyes shot open quickly.

”I know what it’s like. I was trained so well for this eventuality, you DID a good job trying to prepare us for it Master Li, in no way shape or form could I have been more prepared for it than I was. The only thing that I would have done differently now would be that I would have found a way to die and I do not believe that would be the best alternative, if it was not me it would have been someone else. It would have been Nomi, it would have been Qareth, or Jachai, some other strong Jedi Guardian whom he could use to do his bidding and then invariably dispose of when the time came, I’m sure that was his ultimate plan.

I might have been young and I was but, I’m Zeltron Master Li, we mature quicker…at least in theory. I guess some of my people never truly mature, but that’s a different discussion. If you take that, my training that was second to none on top of being thrust into a position in which I was responsible for the lives of other Jedi and you add it all together, you get an incredibly prepared young Jedi Padawan who has been acting as a Knight for nearly three years at that point. My failure wasn’t in the torture, it wasn’t in failing to die, my failure was getting abducted in the first place and looking back that failure was all on me, though I question how much of the stress that I was feeling at the time was ultimately caused by…him. I was exhausted beyond words and when that commlink on my wrist alerted me to a problem, I did not let anyone else respond to it, I did not stop to think that my own roommate who was also on that list did not get the same message, I did not question the situation which looking back was an obvious trap. I simply dove head first into the deep end like I had since I was boy because I was an expert swimmer. Only this time the water was deeper than I could ever imagine and there was an undertow that I could not see from my position that grabbed me and pulled me under. Had I just stopped to think for a second, things would have been different. Instead I did the Guardian thing perhaps thinking I was stronger than I was or perhaps just wanting to do the noble thing and save someone, because after all, I’m a Jedi and I wound up murdering someone who loved me like she meant nothing to me.”

He sighed and took one last sip of his coffee.

”I’ll never forget waking up strapped to that table and the thougths that went through my mind. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I cried out for help and there was no Jedi to hear my calls, no matter how close. I’ll never forget how much I blamed myself as the electricity pulsed through my body and the room went black. I’ll never forget losing myself and that feeling of confusion and anger that formed within me which let him do exactly what he had planned to do. I’ll never forget just how calculated every last bit of it was right down to how he kept me alive when in all reality I should have died. I never shook that feeling, even as Ashlin came to rescue me, I always felt I should have died there. I do not want any Jedi or anyone in the galaxy for that matter to ever endure what I endured let alone the feeling of failure over so something so simple as drawing breath into my lungs. It was extreme, but so was yours and we have to find a way around this because going through it just doesn’t seem to fully work.”

[Kaytren Li]

She smiled faintly at his disgusted reaction. Not so much over what anyone had done; but with wry empathy for that uncomfortable pride that he could’ve handled it better himself. ‘Kaini’ anyway. That was alright. In the past, Kaytren had found herself considering that thought, too, even without years of control and memory damage. Depending on the desired outcome, there were so many more efficiently cruel ways a person could have… But she brushed that old notion aside, quietly folding it back into the safe box in her mind for those strange times when she found any use in the perspective. Efficiency had nothing to do with those weeks. For now she was still listening to Julian.

If not now, when?

The question hung in the shielded sanctuary of her mind while she watched the younger Jedi drift between quiet and speaking. They were in a safest space in the galaxy, decades removed as far as she was concerned. He could read or listen through any of her carefully detailed recollections soon enough… and Kaytren reflected in starlit silence that in spoken conversation she, still, consistently gravitated back to the calm of implied definitions, numbers, and medical scales.

She’d mentioned that black hell mask. A shiver shot through Julian’s frame from something all in his own mind. Kaytren ached for the younger man as a Jedi, a Healer, and with keen maternal empathy that didn't care whether he’d been a child or a man at the time. When he voiced thoughts about pride and exhaustion and failure, she nodded. She’d been heartsick and tired that night. She hadn’t made the most prudent choices walking into the situation either; whether it would have made any difference in the end or not. It was all laid out in hindsight in her journals, so he’d know soon enough that she understood. Julian spoke plainly and she listened. The warmth of the tea mug was still anchoring, but she’d otherwise completely forgotten the cup in her hands.

“They killed a boy.” She told him simply. “A child stolen months before from one of the enclaves supposedly, but I never saw him alive or learned more about him. The Order wasn’t very unified in that year. He was a Jedi child, but even if they lied about that - I’m sure they didn’t, but it wouldn’t change anything. They’d had some of the body badly prepared. Ashlin wasn’t born yet when that started. Degrading me and the student amused them while they forced stringy pieces past my teeth. The textures and gagging on juices made it difficult to eat anything with meats for… several years after. There were jokes about doing the same with Ashlin, but I think they knew she would have been more valuable as a bargaining chip. It was the most blessed thing when she was gone.”

Kaytren finally remembered the tea again. She wasn’t ready for it, so she gently shifted the cup in her hands.

“Please don’t let me talk over the heaviness of anything you said. Or the hopelessness, or the feeling of guilt. He gagged your memories and unraveled you into his perfect tool... I can only imagine. But you’re right; I'm sure that it would have been someone else if it wasn’t you… Not that it helps much, but the thought that you spared some other person from the same unspeakable thing must help a little. I hope it does for you.”

The mother swallowed and smiled faintly.

“I apologize. I’m shying from the point I wanted… I’m a caretaker and a healer, Julian. They hated when I undid Sith and influenced students away from them… And for years I’d kept doing it. So those sects of Sith found as many ways to use children against me, or make me the example of every grudge they had against the Order.. or to just mock me and destroy my credibility in front of their people as much as they could. With some of the adults coming and going to gloat, they brought students and made twisted lessons out of it. It was the ugliest thing they could do. They knew it. Your father, Adrian, was one of the youngest when they filed in a group of them with a velvety.. poised, teacher. I was the damaged Jedi in the cell with the stench. Sometimes gagged and dehumanized in that mask, but later not so we could all see each other’s faces. Neither one was better. Other adults or their masters were coming and going behind them with commentaries. They made a lesson space full of clumsy torture and lying Jedi tears while I’m struggling to stay half-lucid. Nothing I did would have been enough to help. None of the students were untrained to begin with, but I think they all came out of it crueler and further gone.”

She shifted on the sofa and nodded at her feet and ankles; some of her toes crooked or perhaps not even original to her body, her skin marked with faded pink burns or odd marks. There'd been bites if one looked closely, and faded knife slices dragged into thick childish white lines.

“None of the adults bothered with my feet; just some of the young ones. I knew a few of them. That was the hardest, when it was younglings I’d held and bandaged. There was a twelve year old girl. You wouldn’t have known her, but I’d brushed her hair and calmed her nightmares over the years until the Sith dug their influence into her. She had more to prove and much more to lose. It would take too long to list it all, but she broke my ribs among other things. She had to prove that she could. Then… Adrian, I knew from the time he was a baby. He never liked me much. Even as a youngling he was smart enough to see that I was nudging his father away from the dark side. I loved him and wanted so badly to save him too, but I hadn’t found a way yet. His masters had him pick up a knife, and reminded him for a whole morning every betrayal they’d ever seen me poisoning his father or anyone else with. How much all Jedi are liars. It wasn’t his fault. He resented it almost as much as I did over the years.. I don’t think he liked their style of Sith much better than you do, but it still shaped him. We never managed to look each other in the eye easily. It was hard to be an effective person with him even years later, when his memories and mine were still full of that cell. He loved knives. He grew up strong. They tempered him into the perfect vicious Sith. He’d been raised believing all Jedi were deceitful liars, and making grown ones sob in pain since before he could read. The only weakness they couldn't quite harden out of him was that he cared about his brothers.”

Kaytren sipped her tea, finally. She looked out at the trailing leaves of a plant on the kitchen counter, then back to the half-human Jedi.

“You don't have much stake in him. You have a good father, and little reason to spend energy thinking about a dead Sith. But I cared about him very much. There were days when my thoughts were full of that, so you're bound to see it. You look a little like him. You have a few shared mannerisms, and you speak like I think he might have if he'd ever found his way away from the evil. It feels a little like sitting with a ghost, honestly. But you have lifetimes of strong legacy in you from all sides, and then all the tempering and experiences that forged you. There’s a lot that you can do with that.”

[Julian Orspach]

He tapped his empty coffee mug with his pinky as he listened to her speak, there were stories of his biological father and the evils he had done to her. He sighed a bit audibly as his eyes focused on hers looking in part to bestow some feeling of comfort to her, there was guilt and then there was the thought that had crossed his mind sitting across from Svo'k sipping red tea so many years ago. Was he destined to fall, was he destined to be a man like his biological father? It seemed like a reach, a way out and perhaps even an excuse, but when someone else is manipulating the situation do you in fact have free will? He thought back to their conversation so far and the different ways he reasoned that he could have avoided being abducted, but you do only see those in hindsight. In the moment they never present themselves.

He looked down into the empty coffee mug, the thin layer of coffee on the bottom allowed him to see his reflection and after a brief second the reflection staring back at him was much younger version of himself, Padawan braid present, youthful optimism and a tiny bit of arrogance present in his smile. All in all the young man staring back at him looked like the epitome of what a young Jedi Guardian was, but then he noticed the eyes. They were slightly sunken and there were dark circles under them. The young man staring back at him was putting on a face, a good one at that, but he was beaten long before he had ever left the Temple that night. That young man never would have seen anything coming, even if it had been the day, week, or month before. He was so engrossed in his own duties and the service of others that he had completely neglected himself as a result his senses were dulled and the fall was all but guaranteed. Maybe if he'd taken time for Qareth, maybe if he took that moment to pursue a relationship with her, he'd have done something for himself but he was too focused, too attached to what at the time was gone. He shook his head slowly and looked up at Kaytren none of her words lost on him for even a brief moment.

"I have one of his lightsabers."

He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly for a moment.

"Years ago, I got curious about him. I sought out Svo'k who told me everything he knew about Adrian. I am sorry he did all of that to you and to be honest it is troublesome to me on more than one level. I don't remember how old I was when I talked to Svo'k, fourteen? Fifteen maybe? I could have been younger, but the thought that led me to his room that day was whether or not I was destined to become him. It terrified me. I am headstrong, much less so now than I was then, but I kept looking at myself in the mirror with the thought of whether or not the dark side ran in people's blood. The scary thing Kaytren is that I honestly still don't know the answer to that. I have listed all the factors that led to me getting abducted and the torture that ultimately caused me to lose myself, but the one I neglected to mention as I don't know if it is even relevant is the fact that I have Adrian's blood running through my veins."

He set his mug down and shook his head.

"I have more use for a dead Sith than you know, I wouldn't be alive if it was not for him and his behavior. We can talk about how evil he was but my mother has spoken kindly of him. She never let on how long they knew each other or whether or not it was just a one time thing, which honestly isn't something that I have any desire to really think about because that's my mother."

He chuckled a bit trying to bring a bit of a lighter tone into the conversation.

"But, Svo'k himself told me I was never in any real danger of falling if I continued on the path I was on, he said he was proud of me and that maybe had Adrian lived and found a way to the light he'd have been proud of me too. But hear I am, talking to you as a Former Sith Lord. I am a murderer, I killed so many people Kaytren and while I have come to terms with that as much as any Jedi can as much as any person can for that matter, it doesn't change the fact that's what I was. I feel like I'm talking in circles a bit, but what if I have children? Will they be predisposed to the dark side? I don't know the answer to that and with as much respect as I have for you, I do not think you do either. Guardian traits are inherently closer to dark side traits than the other classes. They are firmly on the light side of course, but I've taken major steps back from where I was as Padawan. Part of that is maturity, part of that is the knowledge that the kick open the door without thinking about what's behind it mentality is exactly what led to my fall."

He took in a deep breath for a long moment and thought about what he was going to say next.

"I moved away from my point. We can't improve the training for torture, but I think there is one thing we can do, and understand I am saying this now out of revenge, or anything but a desire for peace in the galaxy so that no others have to suffer like I have and like those whom I made suffer. We must destroy the Dark Side, Kaytren. We must destroy the Sith...."