His commlink chirped as he walked swiftly into the common cafeteria. He hadn't been on world much in the last few years not since he had been with Qareth who was constantly going on mission after a mission with him in tow. The Temple that he grew up in was starting to feel less and less like home and more and more like a fond memory.
Today was no different, they had been back less than a week, most of which had been spent training and they had to leave in about four and a half hours. He was already packed and the ship was more or less loaded, something that he was in charge of and had gotten down to a science in the last few years. The young Guardian was on a mission, he wanted a good lunch before he had to resort to his and Qareth's cooking skills for the next he didn't know how long and neither of them were particularly bad at it, but the recipes in which they were good at seemed to be made all the time and if each were being honest with one another they were getting sick of it.
He grabbed a tray and went through the line, grabbing all sorts of goodies the servers behind the glass offered him a smile, most of them knew him since he was a youngling and they were happy to see the young man he had grown up into. Each time he was back the could swear he had jumped up another few centimeters. He smiled back at them his normal harsh looking resting expression fading quickly into a bright smile that seemed special to whomever it was directed to. Maybe it was because his resting expression was the way it was that his smile had the ability to light up a room, he wasn't sure but everyone seemed to like him and he was never too sure why. Not that Jedi really concerned themselves too much with that type of thinking.
He walked out of serving area of the cafeteria and looked for a seat, he grabbed a protein supplement off the his tray and started shaking the bottle then out of the corner his eye and two fast for him to react a roll smashed into his left temple and landed on the center of his tray and of course directly into his soup. He turned his head and glared in the direction it came from to see a sight he had not seen in months.
"JAX! THINK FAST!"
The other Padawan sat in this chair with sly grin on his face knowing exactly what he had done. The young man lowered his chin and tried ton stifle a laugh.
"Wait. Was I supposed to say that before I threw it? I don't know, but I totally got you!"
Jaxson's glare turned into a smile and he bit his lower lip in a chuckle as he shook his head and walked over towards the other Padawan. Jaxson set his tray down and the other young man jumped up and hugged him before pulling back and punching him lightly in the arm.
"Chio' you always sucked at pranks. How are you man?!"
The other sixteen year old sat back down in his seat and motioned for Jaxson to follow him which he did.
"Oh you know training here, mission over there, and occasionally I sleep. What the hell Jax?! You didn't tell me you and Master Qareth were back, we NEED TO SPAR TOMORROW."
The sixteen year old's smile faded for a moment but he was able to muster up a smirk.
"I haven't had time to tell you I'm back loser. I got here four days ago at some unforcely hour of I think it was...uhhh 03:14 after being awake for like three days straight. We landed and I went straight to my room and collapsed and woke up nine hours later to Master Qareth standing over me calling me to the training gym. She wanted to go over some lightsaber techniques that she saw me messing up two days before. We did that for HOURS. Then we came here after hours and ate, then meditation. The next day was training and yesterday was planning and packing and I leave in four hours or so unfortunately...but maybe after lunch? I think I might have like thirty minutes or so.
"Hey that's mine!"
Chio' took the roll out of Jaxson's soup and shook it making sure to splatter drops of soup on Jaxon's face.
"Dude do you ever stop? I mean we work and train hard too, but I haven't seen you stop working in years. She works you hard man."
Jaxson winced as bits of still hot soup hit is face. He wiped them off with his sleeve in typical guardian fashion. He looked across the table at Chio' and shook his head still smiling. How long had it been since he had seen his best friend since childhood? Was it a full year? It seemed like it must have been close, they were both fifteen the last time they sparred and they were both for sure shorter back then too. He slurped his soup loudly and returned the spoon into the bowl and quickly brought it as if he was going to eat it again but instead flung the spoon full of soup at Chio' and laughed.
"She works me hard because I need it and she works hard too. She was the Master I wanted and I got her and I will learn every single thing I can from her. Hey, I got no complaints except never seeing you and demolishing you in our sparring matches. Winning all the time gets old anyway though."
Jaxson cracked open his protein supplement and chugged it down grinning and trying not to choke on it and a laugh at the same time.
"Oh that's it dude we're on!"
Chio' leapt across the table and tackled Jaxson who fell out of his seat soup spilling on both of them Jaxson's protein supplement bottle flying and hitting the floor. He started lightly punching Jaxson in the stomach and Jaxson returned the gesture as a crowd of Padawan's and younglings gathered around, a passing Sentinel and Consular shook their heads and muttered something about Guardians. It wasn't long before the two students were laughing hysterically at the absurdity of the situation.
"Jaxson Del and Chio' Balaion!"
The yellow Zabrak Jedi Knight said a she stood over them.
"I thought you were coming here to get some food My Padawan?"
Jaxson who was near a laughing fit at this point felt a chill go down his spine as he heard his master's voice. He pushed Chio' off of him and to the side before he quickly stood up and bowed, soup and bread crumbs adorning his otherwise perfect robes.
"Well yes Master I was and Chio' was here and he...well it's been awhile. I'm sorry."
Qareth nodded and returned his bow with a nod, Chio' had stood up as well and bowed to her.
"Younglings are watching and you BOTH are to set an example of Jedi behavior and as much as you two miss each other there is a time and place for this behavior..."
She thought back to her time as a Padawan and youngling with her group of friends just as she was about to punish him and then thought better of it.
"So clean your mess up and apologize for your behavior to the kitchen staff and then take this to the sparring arena for a couple hours where it belongs."
Jaxson's eyes lit up in astonishment.
"A couple hours master? Aren't we leaving soon??!"
She nodded.
"I came to tell you that we are delayed until 23:30 so yes, have fun with your friend you need to unwind."
Jaxson glanced at Chio' who glanced back at him and they both grinned.
"Thank you Master! We'll get this cleaned up good as new and talk to the kitchen staff. Thank you!"
Chio' still smiling brushed some soup out of his hair.
"Thank you Master Qareth and I apologize for our behavior and I'll try not to hurt your Padawan too badly this time."
Qareth smirked.
"Maybe I'll stop by and watch later just to see how broken he leaves you Chio'...."
Lunch
Re: Lunch
Drenched in sweat after well over an hour of constant sparring, Jaxson was down to his undershirt a simple black tank top and Chio' was wearing something similar. Jaxson had one multiple fights as opposed to Chio's single victory but the two continued on as if this was the last time they would ever see each other. Jaxson's blue blade clashed with Chio's and sparks flew both Padawan's were winded at this point as Jaxson backed away and raised his hand.
"Okay...okay. Next one wins, turn it up to maximum training setting..."
"...Yeah so we won't want to continue if we get hit?"
"Exactly, like when we were kids and the Masters weren't watching."
Jaxson moved his right thumb and index finger and turned the detent knob to it's stopping point that kept it from going to the full power lethal setting unless he deliberately moved it there himself. The glow of the blade intensified a bit and he could feel the heat from it also increase almost instantly. He watched Chio' do the same, each lightsaber hilt was different but both of the two young Padawan's had included a similar safety function so that they knew without a shadow of a doubt that they could not accidentally set it to lethal during a training scenario.
"That was fun. I heard from a Knight who got his hand taken off that there is a difference between the real thing as far as pain is concerned when you look back at it but in the moment you know it just hurts and that's all you know. Ready?"
Chio' took an Ataru stance and Jaxson matched it.
"I hope never to find out. Yeah I'm ready."
Jaxson didn't even finish his sentence and Chio' was on him his blue blade slashing with frightening ferocity and accuracy as Jaxson slid to the side and met Chio's lightsaber with a loud clash and hot sparks. Jaxson outmuscled his friend and moved his blade to the side and drove his right elbow into Chio's back with a thud and enough force to knock the wind out of him. Jaxson spun and his blade hummed through the air as it moved to strike Chio's back.
Chio' dropped to the ground and rolled to avoid the slash, he then swiped at Jaxson's feet with his legs knocking him to the ground. Jaxon's lightsaber hit the ground and extinguished as he fell down. In an instant Chio' was up and brought his lightsaber down towards Jaxon's chest.
Jaxon quickly brought his lightsaber to bear and blocked the slash, sparks flying into his face as he lay there flat on his back.
It was at this moment that Qareth stepped into the doorway out of view of either of the two Padawan's. She saw the two and the predicament Jaxson was in and folded her arm. His block was excellent and she doubted that at his age she could of pulled it off. She smiled with approval not wanting to intrude, this was there time and was just as much about unwinding as it was training so she'd keep her thoughts to herself. Though she did notice the sound of the blades that slight higher pitch that was associated with highest setting...
"Of course they would.....but so would I...."
Chio's blade was pushed back but Jaxson's he pushed up but the angular momentum pushed it forward slightly and it caught Jaxson underneath his chin...Chio's eyes widened in horror and he immediately extinguished his lightsaber.
"Jax! You okay?!"
He'd been hit by a lightsaber on this setting multiple times before, but not like this, not at this close range and not right under his chin. He instantly dropped his lightsaber and grabbed his brought, the flesh feeling like it was on fire, even though he consciously knew this wasn't going to be anything more than a first degree burn, it was alarming. The neck and throat were vital areas and any trauma there was cause for immediate alarm. Thankfully Chio' had the presence of mind to extinguish it immediately or it actually could have done some real damage. He scrunched his face as Chio' leaned down over him his eyes closed as he gripped his throat under his chin.
"...Yeah...I don't know...it...hurts bad..."
"Well you're going to need to move your hands so I can see it."
Qareth stopped herself from entering the room as she saw the hit and Jaxson in pain on the floor. She knew he was more or less okay and if this is how he was going to train with his friends then he would need to learn to deal with it on his own. That however didn't stop her from wincing in empathy because she knew that it absolutely hurt.
Jaxson kept his eyes closed and against Millenia of evolutionary instinct removed his hands from his throat for Chio' to examine it.
Chio' leaned in closer and put his hand just under Jaxon's hand to tilt his chin up slightly.
"It's fine, it's red and I bet it hurts, you got a blister where it hit but that's about it. So....you're okay but definitely dead so I win the whole thing."
He looked down at Jaxson giving him a wry smirk.
Jaxson breathed a sigh of relief and slowly opened his eyes to see Chio' looking down on him with that wry grin of his Jaxson half chuckled and half winced as Chio' began to stand up.
"I won ten fights and you...oww...won two but okay you win I guess."
"Oh I absolutely do, come on get up."
Chio' held his hand up for Jaxson.
Jaxson looked up and grabbed his friend's arm and was pulled to his face the two young Jedi bumping into each other as Jaxson stood. He felt extremely safe in that moment, his best friend pulling him to his feet, he knew that he was going to be okay. Then as he looked into his eyes as he stood there and without even thinking he leaned in and kissed Chio' directly on the lips...
Instinctively Chio' was surprised and for less than a half second kissed Jaxson back before pulling away and staring at him in shock and disbelief. What had just happened?! Jaxson was his friend and that's all and this...this just crossed a line.
"Uhh Jax. No. I mean....no Jax."
Jaxson stood there, initially excited as he felt the kiss was going to reciprocated but then shocked when Chio' pulled away. He met his friend's gaze and felt all of the blood in his body rush to his face as it felt as if a knife had been shoved directly into his stomach. He swallowed hard and looked at Chio' all while wishing he could turn completely invisible. He grabbed the back of his neck and nodded quietly, the stinging in his throat still there but he paid no attention to it, it was nothing compared to the embarrassment he felt in this moment.
"I'm...I'm sorry Chio' I...I thought you wanted me to....I misread it...I'm so sorry."
He hung his head and felt the blister on his throat pop and liquid rolled down his throat.
Chio' didn't feel any less awkward or embarrassed, he scanned his friend and nodded slowly. Did this change anything? No it couldn't, they were best friends and this was nothing more than a bump in the road he wouldn't let it be.
"It's fine. I...I am not like that Jax, but it's fine if you are but I'm into girls. Sorry. If I wasn't then yeah, but I am so...don't do that again please. We're just friends."
Jaxson felt his words and they weren't harsh but they still stung as if they were said with malice even if they weren't. He had really misread this entire situation, all of Chio's behavior had felt like flirting but it clearly wasn't. It was just Chio' being Chio' and that's the way he was and that's the way Jaxson was too. They just hadn't spent enough time together in recent years to navigate this topic before. There was just something about Chio' being completely untainable that made it worse, it would be one thing if it was a possibility in the future but it wasn't. Chio wasn't like him...and he had to be okay with that...he was going to be okay with that.
"Yeah never again. Do you still want to be my friend after that....?"
He said a tinge of fear in his voice.
"Yes man of course we go back since we were kids. This was a simple misunderstanding and I get it...nothing changes."
Chio' smiled confidently and leaned in to pat Jaxson on the shoulder.
"Cheer up, we've all done stuff we want to disappear after doing. I once forgot to disconnect the power while working on the main conduit of a freighter...I never felt so dumb in my life."
Jaxson nodded and smirked a half smile as he pictured Chio' getting zapped. There was a sense of comfort in his words but he still hurt beyond description.
"Ha. That must have hurt. I'm glad we're good, lets just forget this because I'm going to have to get ready to go here shortly. Lets do this....minus the kiss next time we're on world?"
"Of course Jax! It's a date...well it's not a date but you know what I mean I can't wait to beat you again! Listen dude I have to get going too, I need to wash up meet my Master for dinner and then we're going to briefed for our next mission. Be safe out there okay?"
Jaxson smiled his bright smile and let Chio' be the one to initiate their farewell hug, which felt the same so nothing had changed that was good. In a moment Chio' was gone from the training arena and Jaxson stood there still waiting until he couldn't feel his friend's presence in proximity anymore and then he fell to the floor and started sobbing quietly. How could have possibly been so stupid? How could he have made such a fool of himself? AND HOW could he have risked a lifelong friendship like just like that?
Qareth had made herself scarce before Chio' walked out of the room but she had seen everything and heard it all too and she felt her Padawan's pain as Chio' had disappeared. She could lecture him, she absolutely could but she knew that wasn't the right thing to do. Instead she walked in behind Jaxson and placed a hand gently on his back. She closed her eyes and let out a silent sigh, she knew what this felt like and she understood exactly what he was going through.
"Hey Jax...I'm here. Let's talk okay?"
Jaxson turned his head to look at her tears filling his brown eyes as he tried to usher them away, he leaned over and wrapped his arms around her in a hug and nodded quietly...
"Okay...okay. Next one wins, turn it up to maximum training setting..."
"...Yeah so we won't want to continue if we get hit?"
"Exactly, like when we were kids and the Masters weren't watching."
Jaxson moved his right thumb and index finger and turned the detent knob to it's stopping point that kept it from going to the full power lethal setting unless he deliberately moved it there himself. The glow of the blade intensified a bit and he could feel the heat from it also increase almost instantly. He watched Chio' do the same, each lightsaber hilt was different but both of the two young Padawan's had included a similar safety function so that they knew without a shadow of a doubt that they could not accidentally set it to lethal during a training scenario.
"That was fun. I heard from a Knight who got his hand taken off that there is a difference between the real thing as far as pain is concerned when you look back at it but in the moment you know it just hurts and that's all you know. Ready?"
Chio' took an Ataru stance and Jaxson matched it.
"I hope never to find out. Yeah I'm ready."
Jaxson didn't even finish his sentence and Chio' was on him his blue blade slashing with frightening ferocity and accuracy as Jaxson slid to the side and met Chio's lightsaber with a loud clash and hot sparks. Jaxson outmuscled his friend and moved his blade to the side and drove his right elbow into Chio's back with a thud and enough force to knock the wind out of him. Jaxson spun and his blade hummed through the air as it moved to strike Chio's back.
Chio' dropped to the ground and rolled to avoid the slash, he then swiped at Jaxson's feet with his legs knocking him to the ground. Jaxon's lightsaber hit the ground and extinguished as he fell down. In an instant Chio' was up and brought his lightsaber down towards Jaxon's chest.
Jaxon quickly brought his lightsaber to bear and blocked the slash, sparks flying into his face as he lay there flat on his back.
It was at this moment that Qareth stepped into the doorway out of view of either of the two Padawan's. She saw the two and the predicament Jaxson was in and folded her arm. His block was excellent and she doubted that at his age she could of pulled it off. She smiled with approval not wanting to intrude, this was there time and was just as much about unwinding as it was training so she'd keep her thoughts to herself. Though she did notice the sound of the blades that slight higher pitch that was associated with highest setting...
"Of course they would.....but so would I...."
Chio's blade was pushed back but Jaxson's he pushed up but the angular momentum pushed it forward slightly and it caught Jaxson underneath his chin...Chio's eyes widened in horror and he immediately extinguished his lightsaber.
"Jax! You okay?!"
He'd been hit by a lightsaber on this setting multiple times before, but not like this, not at this close range and not right under his chin. He instantly dropped his lightsaber and grabbed his brought, the flesh feeling like it was on fire, even though he consciously knew this wasn't going to be anything more than a first degree burn, it was alarming. The neck and throat were vital areas and any trauma there was cause for immediate alarm. Thankfully Chio' had the presence of mind to extinguish it immediately or it actually could have done some real damage. He scrunched his face as Chio' leaned down over him his eyes closed as he gripped his throat under his chin.
"...Yeah...I don't know...it...hurts bad..."
"Well you're going to need to move your hands so I can see it."
Qareth stopped herself from entering the room as she saw the hit and Jaxson in pain on the floor. She knew he was more or less okay and if this is how he was going to train with his friends then he would need to learn to deal with it on his own. That however didn't stop her from wincing in empathy because she knew that it absolutely hurt.
Jaxson kept his eyes closed and against Millenia of evolutionary instinct removed his hands from his throat for Chio' to examine it.
Chio' leaned in closer and put his hand just under Jaxon's hand to tilt his chin up slightly.
"It's fine, it's red and I bet it hurts, you got a blister where it hit but that's about it. So....you're okay but definitely dead so I win the whole thing."
He looked down at Jaxson giving him a wry smirk.
Jaxson breathed a sigh of relief and slowly opened his eyes to see Chio' looking down on him with that wry grin of his Jaxson half chuckled and half winced as Chio' began to stand up.
"I won ten fights and you...oww...won two but okay you win I guess."
"Oh I absolutely do, come on get up."
Chio' held his hand up for Jaxson.
Jaxson looked up and grabbed his friend's arm and was pulled to his face the two young Jedi bumping into each other as Jaxson stood. He felt extremely safe in that moment, his best friend pulling him to his feet, he knew that he was going to be okay. Then as he looked into his eyes as he stood there and without even thinking he leaned in and kissed Chio' directly on the lips...
Instinctively Chio' was surprised and for less than a half second kissed Jaxson back before pulling away and staring at him in shock and disbelief. What had just happened?! Jaxson was his friend and that's all and this...this just crossed a line.
"Uhh Jax. No. I mean....no Jax."
Jaxson stood there, initially excited as he felt the kiss was going to reciprocated but then shocked when Chio' pulled away. He met his friend's gaze and felt all of the blood in his body rush to his face as it felt as if a knife had been shoved directly into his stomach. He swallowed hard and looked at Chio' all while wishing he could turn completely invisible. He grabbed the back of his neck and nodded quietly, the stinging in his throat still there but he paid no attention to it, it was nothing compared to the embarrassment he felt in this moment.
"I'm...I'm sorry Chio' I...I thought you wanted me to....I misread it...I'm so sorry."
He hung his head and felt the blister on his throat pop and liquid rolled down his throat.
Chio' didn't feel any less awkward or embarrassed, he scanned his friend and nodded slowly. Did this change anything? No it couldn't, they were best friends and this was nothing more than a bump in the road he wouldn't let it be.
"It's fine. I...I am not like that Jax, but it's fine if you are but I'm into girls. Sorry. If I wasn't then yeah, but I am so...don't do that again please. We're just friends."
Jaxson felt his words and they weren't harsh but they still stung as if they were said with malice even if they weren't. He had really misread this entire situation, all of Chio's behavior had felt like flirting but it clearly wasn't. It was just Chio' being Chio' and that's the way he was and that's the way Jaxson was too. They just hadn't spent enough time together in recent years to navigate this topic before. There was just something about Chio' being completely untainable that made it worse, it would be one thing if it was a possibility in the future but it wasn't. Chio wasn't like him...and he had to be okay with that...he was going to be okay with that.
"Yeah never again. Do you still want to be my friend after that....?"
He said a tinge of fear in his voice.
"Yes man of course we go back since we were kids. This was a simple misunderstanding and I get it...nothing changes."
Chio' smiled confidently and leaned in to pat Jaxson on the shoulder.
"Cheer up, we've all done stuff we want to disappear after doing. I once forgot to disconnect the power while working on the main conduit of a freighter...I never felt so dumb in my life."
Jaxson nodded and smirked a half smile as he pictured Chio' getting zapped. There was a sense of comfort in his words but he still hurt beyond description.
"Ha. That must have hurt. I'm glad we're good, lets just forget this because I'm going to have to get ready to go here shortly. Lets do this....minus the kiss next time we're on world?"
"Of course Jax! It's a date...well it's not a date but you know what I mean I can't wait to beat you again! Listen dude I have to get going too, I need to wash up meet my Master for dinner and then we're going to briefed for our next mission. Be safe out there okay?"
Jaxson smiled his bright smile and let Chio' be the one to initiate their farewell hug, which felt the same so nothing had changed that was good. In a moment Chio' was gone from the training arena and Jaxson stood there still waiting until he couldn't feel his friend's presence in proximity anymore and then he fell to the floor and started sobbing quietly. How could have possibly been so stupid? How could he have made such a fool of himself? AND HOW could he have risked a lifelong friendship like just like that?
Qareth had made herself scarce before Chio' walked out of the room but she had seen everything and heard it all too and she felt her Padawan's pain as Chio' had disappeared. She could lecture him, she absolutely could but she knew that wasn't the right thing to do. Instead she walked in behind Jaxson and placed a hand gently on his back. She closed her eyes and let out a silent sigh, she knew what this felt like and she understood exactly what he was going through.
"Hey Jax...I'm here. Let's talk okay?"
Jaxson turned his head to look at her tears filling his brown eyes as he tried to usher them away, he leaned over and wrapped his arms around her in a hug and nodded quietly...
"No one is coming. I expect to self rescue."
Re: Lunch
He tried to gather his composure as he pulled away from the hug which was a bit awkward in the first place considering he was seated and she was kneeling beside him. This wasn't the behavior of a Jedi and he knew it but it hurt in multiple different ways. It wasn't the rejection, no that much was painful but it wasn't the source of everything. It was the risk he took and the fact that had Chio' not been as understanding he could have thrown their entire friendship away on an impulse, one that he should have had under control.
But he was there and he was handsome to say the least. The intensity of the duels, the intimacy of their friendship, and the fact that they were both in the middle of adolescence, created a time bomb with a short fuse that once lit was going to result in the mistake that had occurred. He looked at Qareth who had now taken a seat in front of him. He looked into his Master's eyes and finally spoke.
"I'm sorry for my...behavior Master, I'm better than this."
She nodded and smiled warmly at her Padawan, she had come to know him so well over the last several years and she did know that what had just happened was out of character for him, as was the incident in the cafeteria. She however also knew that he was a young man and not a boy anymore, not the same one she took as a Padawan all those years ago. He had grown up and this was part of grown up and she would be an awful Master if she did not at the least recognize it which of course she did, but there was something else as well. She could relate to it on nearly every possible level.
"Jax, you're a Jedi, but you're also a human, a teenage human. You're going to occasionally slip up because you're dealing with new emotions and figuring out how to control them is hard enough as just a human, but you're a Jedi Padawan. You're trying to control those already difficult new emotions and balance being a Jedi on top of it. Something will give eventually like it did today."
She paused for a moment, almost second guessing herself for a brief moment.
"Chio' is a close friend, one that you have shared a lifetime of experiences with. You trained with him since you could hold a lightsaber, seeing as how you are attracted to males, it doesn't even remotely surprise me that you did what you just did. Don't forget I was a teenager once too, and I fell in love with one of my best friends too..."
He looked down at the ground for a long moment flexing his hands for a moment, then traced the veins of the back of his left hand with the index finger from his right hand. He listened to every single word Qareth said and maybe he wasn't expecting it, because he did indeed know her when she was a Teenage Padawan as well, but he was so young then so he must have been oblivious to it. It just didn't occur to him that she could have once been in love once as well. He just did not see her in that way, he saw her as a Master a Jedi from whom he could learn a lot from, a good friend, and even what felt like an older sister. He looked back up to her a bit of shock dotted his pained and embarrassed face.
"I didn't know that, but I bet you didn't do something as stupid as I did and kiss him like that. I feel so dumb."
He sighed and shuddered at the thought of the kiss just wanting to erase it from his memory for all eternity. If there was a reset button he could press on this entire day he'd do it in a heartbeat.
She smiled again before she reached out and put her right hand on his left shoulder.
"Oh my young Padawan, I assure what I did was twice as dumb as what you think you did was."
He looked surprised and rose both of his eyebrows as her hand fell of his shoulder.
"Can I ask?"
Her smile faded ever so slightly, she had opened this door and in this context it was an appropriate door to be opened. She would be deceiving herself though if she told him she was over it entirely, the pain lingered whenever she thought of that day and the last time she saw him.
"You're lucky that the man you have feelings for is a human and not a Zeltron. I was not so lucky."
Both of his eyes widened.
"Julian Orspach?!"
She nodded quietly as she heard his name, just the sound of it brought a small sinking feeling to her stomach. What had become of him and would she ever see him again? No, he was gone and like the others likely dead and that was a fact that she had to accept.
"Yes, Julian. Like you we had trained together and spent time together since we could hold lightsabers. It was him, Jachai whom I doubt you met, and Nomi whom I don't think you would have ever met either. Every minute of free time we had we spent training, just like you a Choi' and if you think Choi' is irresistible, let me tell you Jax dueling with a Zeltron when both of you are sweating buckets is much worse. Julian was a good man and I first developed feelings for him when we were younger than you are now, I must have been eleven or twelve. I never acted on it though, not until we were nineteen. I...uhh went out of my way to find him and followed him to his room while he went to get his datapad. Then when he turned around I kissed him...and he did kiss me back for a bit. Then he stopped and rejected me, something I never saw coming...for the same reason you didn't see it coming. We were best friends and if I am being honest I loved him...honestly I still do Jaxon. He felt like he had too many obligations for a relationship and he had feelings for someone else. It hurt Jax...."
She sighed.
"It hurt a lot. It was if someone took my heart out, stabbed it and shoved it back into my body. I've never felt emotional pain like that outside. Then I felt it again when he disappeared and never came back. At first I selfishly wondered if I caused it, then I realized he would never run. He was too good and too strong. Something happened to him and now there is no chance that I will ever see him again nor will I ever get to fully reconcile the feelings I have for him. I have moved forward and on, but I'm not going to lie to you and pretend there isn't a scar there because there most certainly is."
Jaxon listened intently in disbelief, he had never seen it with them he had never even suspected it. Then again, he was indeed very young and romantic situations were the furthest thing from his mind in those days. Part of him wished he could make those thoughts go away now. He watched her eyes and saw the lingering pain in them and something about that moment brought him closer to her than he had ever been before. She did not have to share that story with him, she easily could have essentially told him to man up and move on. She however was better than that, she was the best Master he could have ever asked for and he was grateful to have her. He wanted to reach out and hug her again, but he didn't instead he sat there taking it all in.
How could Julian have rejected her? He thought back to the young Jedi that he used to idolize and then looked at Qareth and his mind kept telling him that they would have been great together. He dared not ask any other questions about it, this was something personal to her and he wasn't going to pry further but it was certainly puzzling.
His thoughts then turned to Chio' and everything that had transpired. He didn't follow Chio' to his room and he Chio' certainly wasn't repressing feelings for him nor would ever. It was an entirely similar situation beyond that actually, Chio' was unattainable romantically, just like Julian was for Qareth only for different reasons. The biggest difference was that Chio' was alive and well and he could still have a close friendship with him and he should be grateful for that.
"I...I am sorry that happened that way Master he'd have been lucky to have you."
Jaxon looked down again.
"I am worried things won't be the same with Chio' after that. Should I say anything to him, apologize again or something? I don't know it's confusing and you...said you still love Julian and I...I don't know if I know what love feels like, but I definitely feel like I might love Chio' and it...it..."
"It hurts Jax. I know. You probably do love him Jax, you two are extremely close and love is not a stretch in a close friendship like you two share. I'm not going to lie and say that it gets easier quickly, because it doesn't, but you're a strong and wise young man. You'll learn to cope and move on because you can't have him in that way, be happy he is alive and cherish your friendship with him. We are Jedi and at any moment our lives could end, don't let a petty thing like an awkward kiss get in the way of something that is special to the both of you Jax."
Jaxon nodded slowly and wiped the remnants of tears out of his eyes. He took a deep breath in, the stabbing sensation is his stomach and chest slowly subsiding.
"I won't, but what should I do? This stuff is really difficult, I mean...I don't know. If not him, then who?"
She put her hand up and shook her head.
"I am not the type of Master that would forbid you from exploring a romantic relationship with an appropriate partner but I am going to suggest that you don't right now. You're in pain and while I am extremely proud of the Jedi and the young Man you have become, you still have a lot to learn. Dating is something that tends to cloud your judgement Jaxon and I personally think you have more important things to focus on right now. So my advice to you is that you don't worry about that right now. Focus on being the best Jedi you can be and then maybe some day you'll have time for that or you won't and that's okay too. I have never found anyone else Jax and maybe I'm not supposed to. All I know is that I am being the best Jedi I can be and I try to be the best Master I can be to you and that is enough."
She paused and offered him a smile.
"That make sense to you?"
The young Jedi took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly. He wanted to argue with her, but if he really thought about it she wasn't wrong. His judgement was clouded by a combination of emotions and hormones and it led him down a path that caused both himself and Chio' to question things they should have never been questioning in the first place. He nodded slowly.
"Yes, it makes a lot of sense, a lot of...if I'm being totally honest an unfortunate amount of sense."
He chuckled and offered her his signature smile.
She smiled back at him widely and stood up.
"Well there you are, that's the Jax I know. You're halfway there already, but remember I never said it was going to be easy."
She grinned at him.
"Come on, on your feet. We have some work to do. Just remember, I'm here for you, it's quite literally my job."
Jaxon nodded and jumped to his feet, blood quickly rushing to them and he felt a bit dizzy for a moment, he had been sitting longer than he thought. That coupled with the fact that he hadn't recovered from the training duel yet made him a bit lightheaded.
"I know Master, I'm happy to have you."
The feeling is mutual. Lets get you to the infirmary and get your throat fixed up, can't afford to have you at less than full strength for our mission....
Jaxon followed her out and down the halls to the infirmary and from there on their way to yet another mission. These two had been paired well and both recognized it, they were good for each other and neither would have chosen it any other way.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Four Days Later
Out of breath and devastated beyond imagine he gently lowered her body down on a gurney. He let out an exhausted and pain filled sigh as he clicked his jaw and took the survival blanket off of her and looked down on her lifeless body for a long moment. He breathed in and out several times, he could hear every single breath and even the blood rushing through his veins. His heart beat was heavy and part of him wished it would stop. He turned and walked towards one of the bunks and got a fresh sheet from it and returned to her body and draped it over her respectfully taking one last look at her face, bruised and broken. How coukd someone have been so cruel to her? The tears came back to him mixed with quiet but burning anger. Ge understood death, they were Jedi and it lurked behind every corner, he could accept that. It was cruelty and disrespect shown to her that he could not accept, she was too good and didn’t deserve that. He slowly covered her face and respectfully strapped her body down securely. She was a hero and she was going to be given all the respect and treatment of such, but she was more than that. She was his Master and she would always be his Master.
He made his way into the cockpit and sat down hard into the left hand seat still drenched to the core. What was he going to do now? He had to get her home, then what was he going to do? He bit his lower lip and held his head in his hands. He remembered her warm embrace and her hand on his shoulder from just a few days ago, how comforting it had been then. He swallowed hard and reminded himself that he needed to remember what she said to him about being the best Jedi he could be. That would be his focus point now, that's all he could do and then from there he'd figure it out if he needed to.
He looked up and caught his Padawan braid in the reflection from the windshield. Part of him wanted to cut it off and leave it with her body because he was HER Padawan and she was HIS Master. He reached for a knife on his utility belt but stopped himself.
"You still have a lot to learn"
Her voice echoed through his head and he sheathed the knife and started going through his pre-flight procedures.
"Do it for her, you have to. Keep it together. One thing at a time."
He stared at his reflection in the dark windscreen before the lights kicked on outside illuminating the darkened landing pad. In a moment the ship took off and in what felt like a blur he was in space and entering coordinates for home. What he'd do from there he didn't know, but that did not matter right now. He had to do this one thing and then there would be a next thing and that's when he could worry about what was after that.
"I'll make you proud Master..."
But he was there and he was handsome to say the least. The intensity of the duels, the intimacy of their friendship, and the fact that they were both in the middle of adolescence, created a time bomb with a short fuse that once lit was going to result in the mistake that had occurred. He looked at Qareth who had now taken a seat in front of him. He looked into his Master's eyes and finally spoke.
"I'm sorry for my...behavior Master, I'm better than this."
She nodded and smiled warmly at her Padawan, she had come to know him so well over the last several years and she did know that what had just happened was out of character for him, as was the incident in the cafeteria. She however also knew that he was a young man and not a boy anymore, not the same one she took as a Padawan all those years ago. He had grown up and this was part of grown up and she would be an awful Master if she did not at the least recognize it which of course she did, but there was something else as well. She could relate to it on nearly every possible level.
"Jax, you're a Jedi, but you're also a human, a teenage human. You're going to occasionally slip up because you're dealing with new emotions and figuring out how to control them is hard enough as just a human, but you're a Jedi Padawan. You're trying to control those already difficult new emotions and balance being a Jedi on top of it. Something will give eventually like it did today."
She paused for a moment, almost second guessing herself for a brief moment.
"Chio' is a close friend, one that you have shared a lifetime of experiences with. You trained with him since you could hold a lightsaber, seeing as how you are attracted to males, it doesn't even remotely surprise me that you did what you just did. Don't forget I was a teenager once too, and I fell in love with one of my best friends too..."
He looked down at the ground for a long moment flexing his hands for a moment, then traced the veins of the back of his left hand with the index finger from his right hand. He listened to every single word Qareth said and maybe he wasn't expecting it, because he did indeed know her when she was a Teenage Padawan as well, but he was so young then so he must have been oblivious to it. It just didn't occur to him that she could have once been in love once as well. He just did not see her in that way, he saw her as a Master a Jedi from whom he could learn a lot from, a good friend, and even what felt like an older sister. He looked back up to her a bit of shock dotted his pained and embarrassed face.
"I didn't know that, but I bet you didn't do something as stupid as I did and kiss him like that. I feel so dumb."
He sighed and shuddered at the thought of the kiss just wanting to erase it from his memory for all eternity. If there was a reset button he could press on this entire day he'd do it in a heartbeat.
She smiled again before she reached out and put her right hand on his left shoulder.
"Oh my young Padawan, I assure what I did was twice as dumb as what you think you did was."
He looked surprised and rose both of his eyebrows as her hand fell of his shoulder.
"Can I ask?"
Her smile faded ever so slightly, she had opened this door and in this context it was an appropriate door to be opened. She would be deceiving herself though if she told him she was over it entirely, the pain lingered whenever she thought of that day and the last time she saw him.
"You're lucky that the man you have feelings for is a human and not a Zeltron. I was not so lucky."
Both of his eyes widened.
"Julian Orspach?!"
She nodded quietly as she heard his name, just the sound of it brought a small sinking feeling to her stomach. What had become of him and would she ever see him again? No, he was gone and like the others likely dead and that was a fact that she had to accept.
"Yes, Julian. Like you we had trained together and spent time together since we could hold lightsabers. It was him, Jachai whom I doubt you met, and Nomi whom I don't think you would have ever met either. Every minute of free time we had we spent training, just like you a Choi' and if you think Choi' is irresistible, let me tell you Jax dueling with a Zeltron when both of you are sweating buckets is much worse. Julian was a good man and I first developed feelings for him when we were younger than you are now, I must have been eleven or twelve. I never acted on it though, not until we were nineteen. I...uhh went out of my way to find him and followed him to his room while he went to get his datapad. Then when he turned around I kissed him...and he did kiss me back for a bit. Then he stopped and rejected me, something I never saw coming...for the same reason you didn't see it coming. We were best friends and if I am being honest I loved him...honestly I still do Jaxon. He felt like he had too many obligations for a relationship and he had feelings for someone else. It hurt Jax...."
She sighed.
"It hurt a lot. It was if someone took my heart out, stabbed it and shoved it back into my body. I've never felt emotional pain like that outside. Then I felt it again when he disappeared and never came back. At first I selfishly wondered if I caused it, then I realized he would never run. He was too good and too strong. Something happened to him and now there is no chance that I will ever see him again nor will I ever get to fully reconcile the feelings I have for him. I have moved forward and on, but I'm not going to lie to you and pretend there isn't a scar there because there most certainly is."
Jaxon listened intently in disbelief, he had never seen it with them he had never even suspected it. Then again, he was indeed very young and romantic situations were the furthest thing from his mind in those days. Part of him wished he could make those thoughts go away now. He watched her eyes and saw the lingering pain in them and something about that moment brought him closer to her than he had ever been before. She did not have to share that story with him, she easily could have essentially told him to man up and move on. She however was better than that, she was the best Master he could have ever asked for and he was grateful to have her. He wanted to reach out and hug her again, but he didn't instead he sat there taking it all in.
How could Julian have rejected her? He thought back to the young Jedi that he used to idolize and then looked at Qareth and his mind kept telling him that they would have been great together. He dared not ask any other questions about it, this was something personal to her and he wasn't going to pry further but it was certainly puzzling.
His thoughts then turned to Chio' and everything that had transpired. He didn't follow Chio' to his room and he Chio' certainly wasn't repressing feelings for him nor would ever. It was an entirely similar situation beyond that actually, Chio' was unattainable romantically, just like Julian was for Qareth only for different reasons. The biggest difference was that Chio' was alive and well and he could still have a close friendship with him and he should be grateful for that.
"I...I am sorry that happened that way Master he'd have been lucky to have you."
Jaxon looked down again.
"I am worried things won't be the same with Chio' after that. Should I say anything to him, apologize again or something? I don't know it's confusing and you...said you still love Julian and I...I don't know if I know what love feels like, but I definitely feel like I might love Chio' and it...it..."
"It hurts Jax. I know. You probably do love him Jax, you two are extremely close and love is not a stretch in a close friendship like you two share. I'm not going to lie and say that it gets easier quickly, because it doesn't, but you're a strong and wise young man. You'll learn to cope and move on because you can't have him in that way, be happy he is alive and cherish your friendship with him. We are Jedi and at any moment our lives could end, don't let a petty thing like an awkward kiss get in the way of something that is special to the both of you Jax."
Jaxon nodded slowly and wiped the remnants of tears out of his eyes. He took a deep breath in, the stabbing sensation is his stomach and chest slowly subsiding.
"I won't, but what should I do? This stuff is really difficult, I mean...I don't know. If not him, then who?"
She put her hand up and shook her head.
"I am not the type of Master that would forbid you from exploring a romantic relationship with an appropriate partner but I am going to suggest that you don't right now. You're in pain and while I am extremely proud of the Jedi and the young Man you have become, you still have a lot to learn. Dating is something that tends to cloud your judgement Jaxon and I personally think you have more important things to focus on right now. So my advice to you is that you don't worry about that right now. Focus on being the best Jedi you can be and then maybe some day you'll have time for that or you won't and that's okay too. I have never found anyone else Jax and maybe I'm not supposed to. All I know is that I am being the best Jedi I can be and I try to be the best Master I can be to you and that is enough."
She paused and offered him a smile.
"That make sense to you?"
The young Jedi took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly. He wanted to argue with her, but if he really thought about it she wasn't wrong. His judgement was clouded by a combination of emotions and hormones and it led him down a path that caused both himself and Chio' to question things they should have never been questioning in the first place. He nodded slowly.
"Yes, it makes a lot of sense, a lot of...if I'm being totally honest an unfortunate amount of sense."
He chuckled and offered her his signature smile.
She smiled back at him widely and stood up.
"Well there you are, that's the Jax I know. You're halfway there already, but remember I never said it was going to be easy."
She grinned at him.
"Come on, on your feet. We have some work to do. Just remember, I'm here for you, it's quite literally my job."
Jaxon nodded and jumped to his feet, blood quickly rushing to them and he felt a bit dizzy for a moment, he had been sitting longer than he thought. That coupled with the fact that he hadn't recovered from the training duel yet made him a bit lightheaded.
"I know Master, I'm happy to have you."
The feeling is mutual. Lets get you to the infirmary and get your throat fixed up, can't afford to have you at less than full strength for our mission....
Jaxon followed her out and down the halls to the infirmary and from there on their way to yet another mission. These two had been paired well and both recognized it, they were good for each other and neither would have chosen it any other way.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Four Days Later
Out of breath and devastated beyond imagine he gently lowered her body down on a gurney. He let out an exhausted and pain filled sigh as he clicked his jaw and took the survival blanket off of her and looked down on her lifeless body for a long moment. He breathed in and out several times, he could hear every single breath and even the blood rushing through his veins. His heart beat was heavy and part of him wished it would stop. He turned and walked towards one of the bunks and got a fresh sheet from it and returned to her body and draped it over her respectfully taking one last look at her face, bruised and broken. How coukd someone have been so cruel to her? The tears came back to him mixed with quiet but burning anger. Ge understood death, they were Jedi and it lurked behind every corner, he could accept that. It was cruelty and disrespect shown to her that he could not accept, she was too good and didn’t deserve that. He slowly covered her face and respectfully strapped her body down securely. She was a hero and she was going to be given all the respect and treatment of such, but she was more than that. She was his Master and she would always be his Master.
He made his way into the cockpit and sat down hard into the left hand seat still drenched to the core. What was he going to do now? He had to get her home, then what was he going to do? He bit his lower lip and held his head in his hands. He remembered her warm embrace and her hand on his shoulder from just a few days ago, how comforting it had been then. He swallowed hard and reminded himself that he needed to remember what she said to him about being the best Jedi he could be. That would be his focus point now, that's all he could do and then from there he'd figure it out if he needed to.
He looked up and caught his Padawan braid in the reflection from the windshield. Part of him wanted to cut it off and leave it with her body because he was HER Padawan and she was HIS Master. He reached for a knife on his utility belt but stopped himself.
"You still have a lot to learn"
Her voice echoed through his head and he sheathed the knife and started going through his pre-flight procedures.
"Do it for her, you have to. Keep it together. One thing at a time."
He stared at his reflection in the dark windscreen before the lights kicked on outside illuminating the darkened landing pad. In a moment the ship took off and in what felt like a blur he was in space and entering coordinates for home. What he'd do from there he didn't know, but that did not matter right now. He had to do this one thing and then there would be a next thing and that's when he could worry about what was after that.
"I'll make you proud Master..."
"No one is coming. I expect to self rescue."