Breakfast

[Julian Orspach]

Julian yawned as he was flanked by Qareth, T'ahai, and another Padawan who was a couple years younger than the others. The younglings filed into the cafeteria for their morning meal while Julian and the others stayed back and watched them file past into the line towards their morning nourishment. Julian had a rule, it was not a temple rule, nor was it a Jedi rule, but if you ate with Julian you had to abide by it unless you could beat him in a duel, and that was less than likely to occur. As the younger of the group started to get in line, Julian put his arm in front of his torso and shook his head.

"The younglings first, we get what's left."

The other teen frowned, but knew Julian was right, they watched as what they thought were the last of the younglings filed in and the four of them got into line behind the last of the children and some of the younger Padawans. Julian made sure that he was last in line, which was fine with him, he could let his friends have the pickings from the serving line of whatever was left that the younglings had not taken so far. There wasn't a shortage of food in the temple per say, but things were tighter than they used to be and as a result the cooks prepared only what was needed for each meal serving in the main dining hall of the temple, no one was going to starve, but there wouldn't be many left overs either. As he watched his friends and fellow Padawan's fill their plates, he finally reached the serving line. He looked around and notated the amount of food left in his mind, it was perfection, no waste, pretty much just the proper amount of food, but the pickings were slim. There was some hash, but not much of it, some bantha sausage and a bit of scrambled eggs left and a single piece of whole wheat toast along with a few other odds and ends. Julian filled his tray, even with a few things that he did not like so that there was slightly less than adequate size serving for a healthy 19 year old male. The young man grabbed a bottle of juice and took a mug and filled it nearly to the brim with black coffee. The scent of the beverage in and of itself was enough to release endorphins into his brain, the exhausted young man would finally get some of that energy that he so desperately craved. Qareth had turned to take in the site of the morning ritual and watch Julian's facial expression shift as he took in the aroma of the coffee.

Qareth rolled her eyes and snickered at the Half Zeltron Padawan.

"Okay guys, no one tell the Sith that all you have to do to turn Julian to the Dark Side is withhold coffee from him in the morning and the mighty Julian Orspach will fall faster than a tree in the forest."

The group chuckled as they filed towards their table and Julian smirked taking a sip of the warm, deliciously inviting beverage.

"You're not wrong....that's the thing."

The group laughed as Julian sat down and set his tray in front of him, the arrangement of different foods that didn't quite go together sort of resembled a meal looked decidedly satisfying to him, if not particularly appetizing with the conflicting taste profiles, but the younglings and the rest of the Padawans would be satisfied and that's all that mattered. He took another sip of his coffee as the kitchen closed the gates. As he picked up his utensils an early youngling quickly filed into the dining hall and stared at the closed gates to the kitchen, he hung his head and sighed and turned around to find his friends and sit with them while they ate, Julian watched and recognized the young Twi'lek as a relatively newer student who had issues with adjusting to the new life at the temple. He turned in his seat towards the young Student and motioned for him to come over.

"Dian, come here for a second."

The young Twi'lek walked swiftly over to the table that the group of Padwans were sitting out and bowed respectfully.

"Ye..es...Master Orspach?"

Julian nodded and bowed from his seat at the youngling and shook his head.

"Good morning Dian, I'm a Padawan not a Master, but that's okay. Why the long face?"

"Theres no more food, I was in the refresher and...and I woke up late too..."

"Didn't your teacher wake you?"

"Yes, but...I fell asleep again."

The Twi'lek boy hung his head in shame, and Julian moved his hand to gently lift up the young boy's chin.

"This is why we must follow a routine Dian and get up when the other younglings do, sometimes when we don't follow the rules we learn why they exist in the first place."

Julian took the coffee off of his tray and set in on the table.

"I understand...."

Julian maintained eye contact with the young Twi'lek, his purple eyes staring into those of the the young student who had clearly learned his lesson, there was no reason to rub it in any further.

"That said, you're lucky I noticed you weren't here, because I picked out a tray of all your favorite foods just for you, and you can have it, if you promise me that you won't show up late anywhere anymore, because if this happens again you're going to have to just miss the meal and that's not good for you at all."

The youngling's eyes widened and filled with joy as Julian brought the tray down to him, it was a feast fit for a king and not all boring foods either, there were so many different types and there was enough so that he wouldn't get bored off of any single one dish.

"Thank you! I..I...promise I'll be on time from now on."

"Good, now go find your friends, breakfast is almost over."

The youngling scampered off to go sit with his friends and devour the bountiful feast that had been bestowed upon him. Julian then turned in his chair and took another sip of his coffee. The rest of the Padawans looked at him for a long moment.

"I wasn't hungry anyway."

"But you need to eat Julian, you need that food just as much as he did, he shouldn't have been late, it's like the the third time this week he's been late to something."

The other Padwan's shifted and Julian locked eyes with Qareth, he shook his head and offered her a warm smile.

"No, I don't need it more than him. I'm an adult, he's a growing child, I can miss a meal and be fine, he needs nourishment so that he can grow. He would have been fine sure, but his hunger would break his concentration and he'd spend time thinking about how hungry he was versus learning of the Living Force and his entire morning to be a waste of time for him and maybe his classmates."

Julian smirked and looked at the others, he didn't want to lecture them and act as if he was better than any of them, because in fact he wasn't and nor did he think that he was. He just knew that what he did was the right thing to do in the moment and they could think differently if they wanted to, but he felt sure enough that at least T'ahai was on his side. He watched the rest of them finish their meals as he savored his cup of coffee, Qareth slid him over an apple off of her plate. He smirked at her.

"That's yours."

The Zabrak Padawan rolled her eyes at Julian. Why did he have to be so noble all the time, why did he have to put every single person above himself to the point where he was literally hurting himself? Why....why did he have to be so kriffing irresistible?!

"And I'm giving it you, so eat it you selfless jackass!"

The Guardian student smirked right back at him, and deep into his purple eyes, she felt like she could get lost on them, that sideways stare he always gave her, his entire....everything was just. No, she had to not think about this right now, maybe they would talk later.

There was no fighting Qareth, for one she was a Zabrak and Zabraks tended to get their way...and two...she was Qareth and you don't mess with Qareth, he might be able to beat her in a duel outright, but she was queen of don moch and teasing in general and would be sure to never let him forget the apple she offered him if he refused it. Seriously, he could be on his death bed in the infirmary and be asking for an apple and she'd say something like "No, I offered you one once and you were too good for it...." That was just the way she was and he didn't exactly mind it either.

Julian raised his hand and levitated the apple to it.

"As you wish..."

He took a satisfyingly crunchy bite out of the apple and smiled back at her with apple still in his teeth.

[Julian Orspach]

Hours had passed, lunch had come and gone and the hours of the day were winding down. Julian found himself walking back to his room, to retrieve a datapad that he had left behind earlier in the morning, a stupid mistake that he was kicking himself for, but one that didn't really hurt anyone. The standards he held himself to were a bit beyond realistic at times and he did need help remembering this, occasionally a ball would drop and that was okay, he was only human, he was only a Jedi. As he walked through the long hallways of the Padawan's dormitory area he passed a few other students, silently he wondered if they remembered to check in, which reminded him that even he had not done so in quite awhile. He clicked the button on the device attached to his left wrist so that the rest of the Jedi at the temple were aware he was alive and well, not that it mattered nearly as much for him and one or two other Padawans, it was mostly for the younger students who couldn't quite take care of themself if the bantha dung hit the fan. he sighed as he remembered the bombing of four years ago, those lifeless eyes staring down at him, the pain shooting through his body. He scrunched his forehead and shook his head, not a thought that he wanted running through his mind at the moment, or ever really.

"Julian!"

As he reached the staircase leading up to his floor he paused as he heard his name. It was Qareth, he knew her voice anywhere and then all of the sudden he felt his stomach churning again, that light and happy feeling you get when you're excited or happy about something. He turned and looked over his left shoulder, one foot already on the stairs and there she was jogging down the hall to catch up to him.

"Hey, where are you off to?"

The Zabrak girl dressed in black and brown robes finally caught up to him, her brown eyes found his gaze, as she stood there for a second and shrugged. She wasn't really doing anything special, certainly not anything exciting, not like him, the Padawan whom she secretly looked up to despite their constant banter between each other, he had important things to do, he always had important things to do. She did as well, but for some reason it was different for her, she was not responsible for as much as he was.

"Oh I was just going back home, Master said I could take the day to get some rest, we're off world at the end of the week. What are you doing?"

Julian smiled, an off day, what was that? He thought silently to himself, she need it though, their mission was important and leaving for a mission when you had already beaten yourself to a pulp was unwise, if he was going anywhere anytime soon, he'd be sure to at least get a half day in somewhere so that he was as sharp as possible.

"Oh I left my Datapad in my room, stupid really. Yeah you're headed to Kamino?"

She chuckled, she must have told him a hundred times where she was going, but it's okay he had other things to worry about.

"Nar Shadda. Jeeze can you keep anything straight?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed.

Fine...my mistake, one of those days I guess. I really need to get my datapad, so I'll see you later?

She shook her head and smiled.

"Or I could tag along with you and keep you company, otherwise you might leave something else in there too. Besides, I'm bored, I can help you with your duties for the rest of the day."

Julian thought about her question for a moment, he really could use the company and some help would be nice, but he really always felt like he should carry his fair share of the load and not burden anyone else with his work, but then again she did offer. He gave her a grin and motioned with his hand.

"Sure, company is always good, Master Taran says I need to stop spreading myself so thin anyway."

"...and giving away your breakfast to younglings who don't know how to get out of bed on time."

Did she really need to say that? She giggled a bit at home and poked him in the arm to complete the small dig she had to get in on him. Why must she always poke fun at him? He didn't care did...he? No of course he didn't he wouldn't hang around her so much if he did and they certainly wouldn't duel and train together if it was an actual issue.

Julian laughed, the corners of his mouth tightened as he gave her a small grin.

"Oh but you saved me with your life sustaining apple Qareth, I'd be starving to death on the floor right now if it wasn't for that..."

*He lowered his eyes and looked down to his left for a second.*

"Come on, I've got stuff to do."

With that the two Padawans walked swiftly up the stairs and down the hall. They bantered back and forth a few more times, Julian returned the poke with a gentle shove against her shoulder. He liked spending time with her, she reminded him somewhat of Nomi and the friendship they shared what seemed like a lifetime ago, he hoped wherever she was she that she was okay. He stopped upon reaching his door, he raised his wrist and tapped his commlink device to the locking mechanism and the door opened in front of him, he walked in not sure if she was coming in or not, it wasn't going to be long anyway. He walked over to his desk and shuffled a couple of different datapads around, muttering under his own breath on how he had to come up with a better system so he didn't grab the wrong one again, or maybe he could just merge them? No that wouldn't work, too many of them did unique things and had unique information on them for that to ever be successful, it would be a compromise more than anything.

As Julian made his way into the room, Qareth stood in the hallway for a second thinking about whether or not she should go in. On one hand they were both friends and adults, but on the other hand he was a guy and she was girl and it just got weird once she went down that path. Kriff it, she muttered to herself in her head as she walked into the room and looked around for a moment. The door shut behind her as was customary when no one 3as in it's path.

"It's clean in here, T'ahai do all your house work for you?"

She snickered, not sure what she was expecting, certainly not a clean room. She watched him looking over the desk searching for the right datapad. She stared at him for what felt like a long moment, and thought about breakfast and how he had so selflessly given away his own meal so someone else could eat. He thought about how he never took for himself before anyone else, he was a good Jedi and....she was quite certain that she might just love him. She felt her feet carrying her over until she was standing directly behind him.

"Oh ha ha, I know how to clean thank you."

There! He picked up the datapad which was under some assorted papers for some reason and tucked it under his right arm.

"Got it! Lets go."

He turned around.

As the half Zeltron spun on his heal, she threw both of her arms around his waist and pulled him and planted a kiss directly on his lips, she didn't push any further as this was more of a risk than she was normally willing to take, but it was him and they had known each other so long that, it just didn't matter.

He tensed as he felt her lips contact his and the datapad fell to the floor. What was going on what was happening? Nothing bad, nothing bad at all, one side of his brain told him, while the other side of his brain was confused, scared, and slightly scandalized. As the two sides of his brain fought it out, his purple eyes locked onto her brown ones and he put his arms around her and kissed her back. This was a first for him, he had never kissed anyone romantically before, his heart was racing, and as one side of his half zeltron brain beat the other side slowly into submission he thought that he might just...he wasn't sure. They were adults, they were Padawans, but none of this was forbidden, it was probably frowned upon a bit having a member of the opposite gender in your room, but it certainly wasn't the end of the world. Especially not now, not without all the things the Jedi had been through, this was probably the lowest thing on the list as far as rule infractions were concerned and as he continued to feel the sensations of her lips against his he just cared less and less by the second about what the rules were.

She was here now, and he'd be kidding himself if he said he didn't like her and didn't find her attractive. He felt her leading him over towards his bed and he wasn't sure what that meant, nor was he sure that he cared. He continued kissing her until he felt the back of his legs hit the bed and he fell backwards with her on top of him. He looked into her brown eyes looking down on him, every single piece of his half zeltron DNA was egging him on in this moment, this was literally part of his species and he had deprived himself and disciplined himself for so long that he couldn't help but think this was the right thing to do, then as she kissed him again, he got this feeling shooting down his spine, he leaned his head back and brushed his hand against her cheek for a second.

"Qareth....as much as you know we both want this, we can't."

She ran her hand down his cheek and twisted his purple braid around her finger, she sighed audibly.

"But, I think I love you Julian and everything is just so messed up that why don't we just act on it? It's not like we're doing anything wrong."

Julian sighed heavily and looked up into her eyes, it was true, he. did in this moment want her more than anything, but what were the consequences of that? What would that mean if Nomi ever came back, the girl he had secretly fallen for when they were younger what would happen to any future with her? What if Qareth....got pregnant? He sighed again and brushed her cheek.

"Qareth, I want this and I want you, you're beautiful inside and out, but...I love Nomi and I have since we were like ten, I just never got a chance to tell her and when she comes back...."

And there it was, that name and he had finally said what she had long suspected to be true, but he had openly flirted with her multiple times and she him...and she....sort of started it, and come to think of it she definitely started this situation.

"Julian, Nomi is dead and we're here."

Julian let out a breath.

"I can't think that Qareth, because that means they are all dead. I have to hold onto this hope, it's the one thing I have that is keeping me grounded, because if they are all dead what does that mean for us? Are we the last of the Jedi? I'm not ready to accept that thought yet because of what it means and what it means as a whole, if they're all dead, then what? I have to hold onto that one shred of hope because my mind is just not ready to accept that, not until I have proof."

She rolled off of him and fell next to him on the bed, she stared at the ceiling for a long moment his words made sense, she chalked it up to foolish optimism, but with as bad as things were everyone needed something to hold onto.

"I get that Julian, but what about our feelings for each other? You can't deny that you feel something for me."

He turned his head to meet her eyes, his own eyes showing nothing but care and deep affection for her, but he couldn't allow himself to act any further on these feelings, it wasn't going to end well.

"Of course I do, aside from being beautiful on the outside, you are one of the smartest people I know and you have heart of pure gold. I do have feelings for you Qareth, but it wouldn't work now. Even if Nomi was here now, it wouldn't work with us either. I'm helping the Masters lead the order, I don't even have time for myself, let alone a romantic partner. When would we ever have time for us? Then the other thing is, what if you got pregnant? I think we both know where that was going a few minutes ago and I for one certainly wasn't prepared for that. Then you'd be pregnant, which would be fine, but then there would be a kid and I don't have time or energy for that and neither do you. We're Jedi and maybe when things normalize, that's an idea we can entertain, when we have time for each other, but it wouldn't be fair to you or me first and foremost, not right now as much as I do care for you...."

She sighed, but nodded at the same time. He was right, he was right an annoying amount of the time, and as much as she wanted him to be wrong, he most certainly wasn't. She looked at him for a long moment before she responded.

"I understand Julian, I do, I just, you're the only thing in this whole mess that isn't screwed up, you're the only thing I'm sure about anymore. But you're right, we wouldn't have any time for each other and that would be even more frustrating than us not being together at all. We're still going to be close though right, I didn't make it weird did I?"

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

"No more weird than we already are, besides, looking back I'm pretty sure everyone had bets placed on when we'd be a couple anyway. It might not be no forever Qareth, and yes we'll still be friends. Besides, if we stopped being friends who else am I going to humiliate in duels on the regular?"

He gave her a sinister little grin and his purple eyes narrowed.

She leaned back and punched him in the arm, as hard as she possibly could at that joke, he deserved it anyway, she chuckled and jumped to her feet and shook her head at him with a smile on her face.

"Yeah, you just wait until I beat you. Listen, I think I am going to go rest, if that's okay with you?"

He winced and recoiled a bit at the hit and started laughing nearly to the point of hysterics, surely he had hit a nerve there and just as surely, he was quite confident that the two of them would be fine.

"I'll set my watch for when Mustafar turns into an ice world for you to beat me. Yeah, that's fine I might just see if I can take the rest of the night off anyway, I'm exhausted."

He watched her smile and leave the room, as the door shut behind her he exhaled deeply and his purple eyes stared at the ceiling. What had just happened in the course of how many minutes, how much had changed? Did he make the right decision? He was sure he had, but part of him wished his Zeltron brain could have just taken total control for a bit longer, because the truth was, Nomi was probably dead and Qareth was here and he could quite easily see the two of them together, much in the same way that he envisioned him and Nomi together, but Nomi. His heart pounded as he remembered the duels, she always won, but he didn't care he just liked spending time with her, he loved being around her and he really missed her. Maybe if she didn't come back he could be with Qareth, but he wanted more than anything for Nomi to come back, she had to, because if she didn't that meant they were all dead, including his father and that was just not a thought he could entertain right now. He tapped out a message on his communicator and sent it to his superiors, he needed some time to himself and he was going to take it tonight.

"I need a Jawa Juice."

Julian rolled over on the bed and kicked his boots off, before briefly entertaining the notion of venturing out of the temple to a local cantina to haave a night cap, but his boots were off anyways and it just wasn't worth the extra effort. He sat there for a long moment contemplating the events of the evening before he slowly drifted off to sleep.

[Julian Orspach]

The door to the room opened and he stirred in bed as T'ahai walked into the room. Julian rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch, happily it was not morning, but he was still in his robes minus his boots of course. He sat up in bed and waved to his roommate through sleepy eyes. How long had he been out, he squinted and looked at the time again, six hours? He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and through both of his feet over the bed, it was nearly midnight so there wasn't going to be anywhere else he was going tonight. He stood up and took his tunic off and cast it aside on the floor, it was wet with sweat, sleeping in full robes was not the wisest decision, but he was exhausted, this day had been a long and confusing one, assuming everything that he remembered actually happened and wasn't a dream.

He remembered the moment she had grabbed him and kissed him, nope...that wasn't a dream, most certainly not. He stood there for a second and got a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He studied himself for a long moment wondering exactly what she might see in him, he was pink after all, and he had purple hair. How was that attractive to her? Then again, she had horns instead of hair and he found her attractive, so maybe it was less about the details and more about the person as a whole. He wasn't sure at all that he understood this, everything was normal the day before, but in the blink of an eye everything changed. Had he been leading her on? He thought back to the playful banter between the two of them, he followed it most of the time, but he remembered that there were definitely times he initiated it.

Did he love her romantically? He wasn't entirely sure that he did, but he wasn't sure that he did not either. He had never been kissed before and his first kiss almost led to something a whole lot more and it easily could have, part of him was sorry that he didn't let it, but at the end of the day it was still the right decision, which annoyed the Zeltron part of his brain to no end.

He continued undressing, noticing his roommate getting ready for bed as well, he slid on his lightweight pajama bottoms and didn't bother with the shirt, he was already warm enough as is and the extra layer of fabric covering his torso was just pointless. He then looked over his shoulder at T'ahai who just finished getting ready for bed as well, he signed to get his attention, but he wasn't sure that the extent of his sign language would do for this conversation. The message he had signed out was essentially, "Do you mind if we telepathy? I need to talk to you?"

With a lot of people telepathy was a given and T'ahai was perfectly capable of it, but given that he was not normally a vocal communicator, Julian always asked for permission first before doing it, it was a matter of respect. Was it necessary? He wasn't, sure but he knew it was appreciated. T'hai signed back and sat down on the corner of his bed, nodding affirmatively. Julian followed suit and sat down and faced his friend and roomate.

("Thanks, my signing skills just wouldn't cut it for this."

T'ahai, crossed his arms and nodded to Julian, forgetting for a second that he was replying to him telepathically instead of just body language and or sign language.

("No, it's good. What's on your mind? You seem tense.")

Julian grabbed the back of his neck and looked down at the floor for a second, he cracked his knuckles on his right hand before returning to meet his friend's gaze.

"I, what I mean is...have you ever kissed someone?"

T'ahai's eyes widened, Julian had his full attention now, this conversation was infinitely more interesting than getting to bed on what had been a relatively quiet day.

("No. Why, have you?")

Julian nodded silently.

Yeah, but this is confidential, between you and I and I'm only telling you because I don't know what to do. No one else knows got it?

T'ahai merely nodded and waited for Julian to continue, but the anticipation in this moment was killing him. He had a pretty good idea who it was, but there were a number of girls that had expressed interest in Julian, but he never reciprocated it at least not to T'ahai's knowledge.

("So I came back to get my datapad earlier, Qareth tagged along and the next thing I know we're kissing and it all felt really right. I mean, we almost went a lot further than kissing too, but we came to our senses and put a stop to it, nothing more happened. I told her....."

("I knew it was her!")

Julian's eyebrows shot up as he was interrupted.

("What did she say something to you err...no she wouldn't But how did you know?!")

("Julian, you're my brother and my friend but sometimes you are really dense. You two have been actively flirting for like the past year, I knew it was just a matter of time before one of you did something about it. It's obvious that she has a thing for you, others have noticed it too, I just think that you were just oblivious to it because she's been your friend forever.")

T'ahai paused and waited for Julian to respond, he wasn't at all shocked by what he had to say and he had conveyed that to him, but he was surprised a bit in how the situation appeared to have played out.

("I didn't notice it at all! I thought we were just taking fun little shots at each other, it's what we do! I'm so confused about all of this T'ahai, I don't know what I feel, I told her it wasn't going to work because of all this other nonsense going on right now. You and are practically running this damn place and there aren't many Masters and Knights around to carry the load, so how am I ever going to have time for a girlfriend or a wife and child for that matter? I don't need this distraction right now and besides, I love Nomi.")

The other Padawan quirked an eyerbrow at the entire statement and shook his head.

("Julian, Nomi is gone. She may very well still be alive, but she's been gone for a long time now. Qareth is here and it's obvious she cares about you, it's up to you both to decide whether or not you will work out as a couple, but one thing at a time Julian. You're nineteen, you have a ton of responsibility, but maybe it's time you start passing it off to some other people and maybe make time for her. This temple won't stop functioning because you find a romantic partner. Whats more, I think you'll be happier in general, you're a Zeltron, well half one anyway and I think you're the only Zeltron I've ever heard of that has turned down a sure thing like that. I'm not saying you were wrong to use restraint, but what happened is kind of in your genes and the only way you stopped it from going further was an act of sheer will.")

At least he didn't say Nomi was dead, Julian thought to himself. He was quite sure he couldn't take hearing that again today, but maybe she was never coming back and that was just the way it was going to be. Qareth did care for him, she even said that she loved him, he grit his teeth and shook his head.

("You're not wrong, but normally I'm the one giving the advice and sounding all wise. I'm just confused.")

("You're confused? A Zeltron turning down physical romance is just about the most confusing thing I've heard in my life....isn't that bad for you or something?")

T'ahai quipped, knowing that did would get under the other Jedi's skin in the most harmless of ways, but knowing full well that he needed to at least get a laugh out of him.

Julian chuckled, wishing he had a hydrospanner or something to chuck at the other Padawan.

("I mean I've made it this far and I'm not dead yet.")

He snickered and scratched his head running his hand through his purple hair.

("Seriously though, I know Nomi isn't likely coming back and Qareth said she loved me.")

("Whoa, she said that?")

Julian simply nodded.

("Do you love her?")

Julian shrugged his shoulders, took in a deep breath and fell back onto the bed.

("I think so, I've been wrestling with that all night, but I don't know that I love her in a purely romantic sense, more like not you exactly, but more along the friends line than anything")

("Well I'm glad it's not like me, because I'm not kissing you...")

Julian sprang up in bed, made a fist with his right hand and reered back to punch T'ahai right in the arm...but the younger Padawan put his hands up in surrender before he could.

("You need to relax a bit and I also think you need to talk to your Master and then Qareth again. It's not fair to her that you're using Nomi as an excuse, alive or not, she's not here and Qareth is and clearly her feelings for you are real. I know you said something about not finding time, but if it's meant to be you'll make time if that's what you really want.")

Julian nodded quietly. Did this really make it any better?

("Yeah, I planned to talk to him in the morning. She said she understood though.")

("She's a Jedi, of course she does. That doesn't mean it's fair to her.")

("Yeah you're right, I'll see what Master Taran says about it, he's married.")

("Yes, a lot of Jedi are and here you are acting like you're the only Jedi who has ever had a sexual though in his life. Dude, you're Zeltron. I'm surprised you've made it this far without a few girlfriends and I don't mean that to be insulting.")

T'ahai smiled and patted Julian on the arm.

("It's late, I'm tired. Are you good?")

Julian returned the smile and patted his friend's hand.

("Always, get some sleep and thanks again.")

Did any of that really help? He wasn't sure at all that it did and that made sense, it was purely his problem, no one else's and there was plenty more to think about around here than what would or would not happen if he decided dating Qareth was the way to go. It was just such a minuscule problem in the grand scheme of things that he was somewhat embarrassed that he had. made such a big deal about it, maybe he wouldn't talk to his Master, maybe he'd just talk to her again....or maybe he should just drop it? They already talked, what more good could he do by bringing it up again. He sighed to himself as he lay back down on the bed and crawled into the covers.

He called his lightsaber to his hand and placed it on the nightstand, forgetting that he had not taken it off of his belt when he had changed. He really was emotionally torn up about this whole situation, is this what this really felt like. What were his feelings for Nomi then if this is what love actually felt like? Would he be betraying her if he decided that he did want to be with Qareth after all? No, he couldn't be, they weren't married or even dating at all and she wasn't here and Qareth was, it's that simple. It would have been so much different if things had happened later, had Nomi been around for all of this and he had wound up dating her, then it would be betrayal. Now it was just a matter of whether he wanted her as a partner or not, he had explained to valid reasons to her, but as T'ahai said if it was meant to be then he would find a way to make it work. Also, there was the matter of the Trials, he knew they were coming up in the next year or two, maybe sooner, he dared not think for a second that he was ready, but he was being treated like a Knight, so was T'ahai and for the most part, both of them were acting like Knights, so in the back of his mind he knew that it was probably a lot closer than he thought, but he didn't want to focus on it either, but when he was Knighted that would make room for another Padawan to step into his role and that was something he wouldn't mind at all.

There were so many thoughts going through his mind, it's no wonder he was always exhausted. His eyelids fluttered for a moment as he waved his hand to kill all the lights in the room, T'ahai was already fast asleep and soon Julian would join him. He closed his eyes and saw Qareth's face as his mind slowly drifted into sleep.

[Julian Orspach]

He tossed and turned as the visions of his dreamscape flashed through his unconscious mind, sweat formed on his brow, he could see her face so clearly, as if she was with him right now. Her scent filled his nostrils and he felt her warm touch on his lips again. He twitched in his sleep and to the outward observer it would appear as if he was having nothing more than a vivid dream.

She backed away slowly from him, and moved closer and closer to a dark void that appeared in the corner of the room as if she was being pulled away from him forever. The harder he tried to reach for her the further and further she moved away from him, he screamed out

"NO! DON'T GO, IT ISN'T SAFE!"

She moved deeper and deeper into the darkness until she was just a speck in the distance, her aura began to fade and the room started to shake. Cracks began to form in the walls and rain began to enter the ceiling, he turned over to look for T'ahai and he was gone, non one was here except for him and Qareth who was starting to vanish into the void. Did the void take T'ahai too?! What caused it?! Was the rest of the temple okay?!

He turned over and jumped to his feet, but felt unsteady as the floor began to crumble beneath him. He quickly raised his left arm to tap the emergency signal out alerting to rest of the Jedi Order present at the temple that there was in impending attack. As he brought his arm up his commlink seemed to vanish before his eyes and was replaced with a black gauntlet, that seemed to send stinging pain through his arm, the pain was something that focused his senses for some reason, none of this made any sense. Another chunk of the floor fell away and he dropped to his knee, steadying himself on the night stand, he called for his lightsaber, but it would stayed firmly planted on the nightstand and each time he tried to physically reach for it, somehow he fell short until the entire floor gave way and his lightsaber fell off into the void.

He wasn't falling though, he was just surrounded by a pure black void on all sides and then in the distance he saw Qareth, she was there and she looked to be relatively unhurt. He sprinted towards her as fast as his legs would carry him, but he didn't feel as if he was moving, rather the void seemed to be bringing her closer and closer to him and then she was there and everything stopped. She was there.

His heart pounded in his chest, but arcs of pain flooded through his body for no reason that he could readily understand. She was fully dressed in her brown and black robes and she stood there and her loving brown eyes stared at him, she raised her hand and went to stroke his cheek, but he could not feel her touch anymore, it was as if something was separating her touch from him. He reached out and through both of his arms around her, he looked down and was surprised to notice that both of his arms were now draped in black. In fact wasn't he in pajamas with no shirt a moment ago? It didn't matter, she was here and he wasn't going to let her leave again, he pulled her close and tried to speak but his mouth wouldn't allow words to escape it, he felt imprisoned as if something was covering his face and prohibiting his voice from coming out. He wanted to tell her how much he cared for her and that he was sorry he had pushed her away, he was a fool and he understood that now, but nothing came out. He felt so helpless, staring into her eyes, he couldn't do anything, he couldn't tell her how he felt, he could barely move, it was if he was imprisoned in his own body.

"I love you Julian and I always will."

The somewhat shorter Zabrak stood up and brushed her hand against his black metal helmet, the touch of it cold against her hands. She shivered and moved to kiss where she imagined his lips to be as the rainfall returned and began to cover them, the metal was cool against her lips and it wasn't all that pleasant but neither of them seemed to mind.

"It's not your fault Julian."

He tried desperately to feel her kiss and to kiss her as well, but he couldn't move, his face was imprisoned in this helmet and he had no idea where it came from. What was happening to him?! What was happening to her? It wasn't his fault? Of course it was, he was the one that had pushed her away and he was so sorry for that now, he wanted nothing more than to be with her and he felt as if she was slipping away again.

Qareth! He screamed mentally, I'm so sorry. He tried to call on the force, but he felt powerless, his mind was racing. Then he smelled it, that smell of ozone when the rain evaporated instantly after touching something incredibly hot. Then there was the burning flesh, he looked down and saw her blue blade extinguish and his hands holding a red lightsaber that pierced her through her sternum at an upward angle.

::NOOOOO!::

He was finally able to scream, but it wasn't his voice it was the voice of a monster, something he was powerless to control, he watched the light fade from her eyes as he let her fall and kicked her in the face as she died on the street, her blood covering the toe of his boot and quickly washed away in the rain. He dropped to his knees, the prison was gone, he crawled over to her and cradled her in his arms for a long moment, a moment that dragged on forever, but didn't seem real, none if it did, how could it be?! He was a Jedi, he would never.....

Julian sprang up in his rack and gasped for breath, sweat pouring down his pink face, his purple eyes scanned his surroundings, he looked down and saw the boots from the dream, the ones that had kicked her, still dawning his feet. He took a deep breath and sighed audibly, the Jedi Knight ran his fingers through his hair and draped them down the back of his neck. His eyes filled with tears, he could still see her face when he blinked, he deserved this on some level, he thought. He stood up, Ashlin was still asleep as was Arty, he found his black shirt, the same one he had worn under his armour less than a day ago. He looked down at his boots again and kicked them off casting them under his rack with a frustrated touch of anger and sadness licking the outer edges of his aura.

("I love you too Qareth. I'm so sorry...I miss you")

He finally managed to send that message out to the force, as he wiped tears from his eyes again. She had loved him and he had killed her, the kiss was so long ago, over ten years and the dream made him feel as if that entire day had just happened, in some ways it had. He was there with her, with them, and then he was gone the next and everything changed after that. In many ways he felt closer to that day that was over a decade ago than he did to the one he was currently living in. He cracked his neck and went to the refresher, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and splashed water on his face, there was no way he was going to sleep for the rest of the night, so there was no point in pretending that he would. He looked up and found a clock, it was early, the rest of them had gone to bed not long ago and Erril had drawn watch at the controls through the night as they traveled away from that awful place. He sighed again and looked at his features in the mirror, for the first time the face that was staring back at him did not have red stained eyes, no it was the face of Jedi, a Jedi who had been through so much, but still a Jedi despite it all. He nodded at himself and left the refresher and made his way up to the cockpit.

He needed to talk and as much as he adored Ashlin, she wasn't the person he needed to talk to, he was a Jedi, but there was something about this whole story that he needed a male perspective from. She had expressed her love for him and he had pushed her away, there was no dwelling on the what ifs, only the facts of what happened and how to go forward were important now, because that's all that was left, that's all that he could hope to improve, not what was already done. He opened the door and stepped into the cockpit, his socked feet falling silently on the floor.

"Master, I need to talk to you."

He said as he sat down in the co-pilot seat, Erril acknowledging him, he began to tell the story. The story of what had happened so long ago, the story of what he had done and who he had become. They had all night, and he spoke all night, as they traveled through the starry void off to find their next step, off to find a new light so they could continue on as what they were, nothing spectacular, just simply Jedi.