I am Jedi

[Luka Balmore]

It was late, he had long since left the service facility after speaking to one of his mentors. The thoughts were still racing through his mind as he walked the long walk back to his room. Maybe this is what it meant to be Jedi, you had to at some point leave a part of yourself behind in the crucible as a sacrifice of sorts. That's what earned you the right to walk the path of the Jedi. He breathed out through his nose as he climbed the temple stairs, he passed several Jedi, Knights, Masters, and Padawans alike. He bowed and nodded as he had been accustomed to doing so, but his heart wasn't really in this day. He loved them all dearly and in time he would return to his normal self, but he wasn't sure how long that would be. He had always been the model student, the one that didn't make mistakes, not of this sort anyway. Now, he found himself looking back wondering where he had gone wrong. Was this game too advanced for him to even begin thinking about playing, he was only half human maybe he wasn't mature enough to deal with the emotions of losing yet.

Rubbish.

He reasoned to himself, he had lost patients, he had stared death in the face and death had beat him due to his inadequacies before. That was a fact of being a healer, patients died because of his failure. The only thing he could do is move on and learn from any mistakes, even Kaytren and Erril lost patients. He had lost before and he knew what those emotions were like so maybe that wasn't it.

He continued walking and found himself in the Padawan corridor, his room was 1102 C on the next floor up. He stopped for a moment in the long hallway. No he wasn't used to failing as a Jedi and as a person, both of which he did today. In the grand scheme of things, maybe Adrian was right, maybe it did not matter nearly as much as he thought he did. It was a simple fact of life that quite a number of people had an experience like that they immediately regretted afterwards and plenty of those people were his age. It wasn't that though, he was supposed to be better than that. Were his standards for himself so impossibly high that he had set himself up to fall? Maybe.

He kept walking it was 2330 now and he really needed to get home, he climbed the stairs and saw his door at the end of the hall, the light was on indicating Aldon was home. He sighed heavily and stopped again for just a moment. Was it that his standards were too high or were they just too high to be hanging around Sith and trying to turn them to the light, was he destined to fail because he had to be a shade or two darker to properly connect to a Sith and turn them? That was certainly possible, he certainly had a much more poignant point of commonality with Adrian now. He should probably run a couple tests on himself in the morning too just to be on the safe side. He walked to the door and pushed his comm to the scanner and it it slid open with a whoosh.

He walked in and saw Aldon sitting up at his desk, the three month younger full blooded Zeltron Padawan was the last person in the entire universe he wanted to talk to about what had happened. Not that Luka minded Aldon at all, they were in fact good friends, but Aldon was a Zeltron and if you removed the Sith aspect from the equation, Aldon would likely have zero understanding of what exactly Luka felt was wrong about what had happened. Luka made eye contact for half a moment and nodded to his roommate who appeared to be studying something. Luka sat on the edge of his bed and ran his hands through his hair before pulling his boots off and placing them neatly at the foot of his bed. He stood up and took his cloak off and folded it neatly placing it on the bed. Then he pulled his tunic up over his head, it had a habit of catching on his ears. Silly really, Jedi could do so many things but avoiding the mundane things like a tunic pulling on your ears in a slightly uncomfortable matter was somehow not beneath them. Not that it bothered Luka much. He looked towards the refresher for a moment. Did he really want to shower now? No, it was late and he needed to rest.

He slid his pants off and picked up his pajama bottoms and put them on quickly, not that he or Aldon really cared they were Jedi, but there was such a thing as common courtesy and despite whatever dignity of his he may have sacrificed today he was not going to fall any further. He moved and picked up his pillow and fluffed it and set his alarms. He pulled the sheets out which sent a light breeze past him and towards the studying Aldon. He sighed again and was about to climb into bed when Aldon turned in his chair.

"Luka, are you okay dude?"

The Zeltron Guardian asked with a concerned look on his face. Luka looked at his roommate and offered him a warm but forced smile and nodded before speaking. He really did NOT want to have this conversation with him.

"Yes, I am fine, I just had a bit of a rough day but I'll be okay. Thank you for asking though."

The Zeltron boy stood up and looked at Luka his nostrils flared a bit and both of his eyebrows raised in unison.

"I thought you were off today? It's pretty hard to mess up on off day, you....why are you wearing that?"

Luka stopped and stood up to look Aldon in the eyes. The young healer's face was weary and it was clear that he had had just about enough of everything for today.

"My Pajama's? I don't know Aldon, because sleeping naked seems a bit rude when you have a roommate."

He paused.

"That was rude, I'm sorry. I'd rather not talk about my day. My mother got me these last week, they just got back from the cleaners today they're warmer and now we won't have to compromise on the thermostat. You can keep it cool and I won't be getting up to turn it up."

Aldon shook his head and took a step closer to Luka with a very serious look on his face.

"No. That perfume or cologne, whatever it is. Why are you wearing it?"

Luka scrunched his brow and sniffed near his arms and chest.

"I'm not wearing anything. I do not tend to wear cologne, we've been roommates for what six years? When have I ever worn cologne?"

Aldon sniffed the air again and shook his head.

"No Luka, you are whether you know it or not. I know that anywhere, it's a rather expensive thing that we sell to off worlders back home. It contains a ton of pheromones, a lot of people use it as a...well as an aphrodisiac. It sort of subconsciously on a quite primal level makes people more...willing I guess is the best way to put it. So...if you didn't know....Luka...what happened today?"

Luka stood there and listened in total bewilderment. It was like he was standing in a room and all he heard were the echoes of someone talking in the distance. He had reasoned Adrian had planned for it to happen the way it did, but this...this was something else entirely. This was....still his fault. He still put himself in that situation and been overconfident, but at least...at least he knew it wasn't because he was a total failure, he certainly had help. He felt so dirty and now, a bit violated as well. His eyes widened as he realized Aldon was waiting for a response.

"I really do not want to talk about Aldon, I'm sure you can make assumptions and I'm not going to tell you if you're right or wrong. Just know that I did NOT buy that cologne nor did I apply it to myself or anyone else. I just want to sleep. It has been a bad day and I need rest. I appreciate your concern greatly, but as you can see I am physically fine."

Luka climbed into bed and turned to face away from Aldon pulling his covers up almost completely over his head.

"I understand, I'm just worried. You're never upset like this. You're right, I can assume...which makes me more worried. I'll respect your wishes, just know that if you want to talk I am right here."

The Zeltron boy stared at his roommate and friend for a long moment, but Luka did not move.

"Thank you Aldon. Good night."

Aldon crossed his arms and shook his head, looking at this comm he realized it was approaching midnight now and he himself had better get to sleep.

"Good night Luka....Force hold you closely my friend."

Luka had heard the last part whispered or not and tears began to form in his eyes as he waited for a long moment before he heard Aldon getting changed as well. Once Aldon had climbed into bed, he the Zeltron boy was asleep within ten minutes. How did he do that? Luka finally turned and stared at the ceiling. This was truly a bad day and now there were other complications. Adrian had done more than orchestrate this series of events he and Tia had all but completely ensured it. The deck had been totally rigged against him the moment he had walked in that door. Had he been physically violated and assaulted? He thought about that for a long time, he really considered every aspect of it, playing over every detail in his mind. He blinked a couple of times and while he did feel violated, he wasn't sure he could call it anything but a consensual act. Now his ability to totally consent had been altered in some way and that might be enough for a non-force sensitive to call this a complete violation, but he was Jedi, compromised or not he should have had more of his wits about him.

Hours past, it was now 0223 according to the clock on his night stand and Luka had not gotten a wink of sleep. He had thought of everything under the sun and remembered every detail more times than he cared to and the thing that disgusted him the most was the fact that there was no denying that it was an enjoyable experience in the moment even if the aftermath was just about as horrible as it got on an emotional level. Adrian was definitely a Sith. He sighed to himself as Aldon snored quietly, he supposed he could see how this could have happened for Svo'k too.

His eyes shot wide open.

"Uggh."

He said again as he quickly swung his legs over the edge of the bed and put his comm on his wrist. He walked out of the room, no shirt, no footwear, just the pajama bottoms his mother had gotten him. His normally neat hair was a bit disheveled as he looked at the directory in his comm to find the room that belonged to HIM. He climbed two more flights of stairs and sighed a bit once more for the upteenth time today and for as many times as he had sighed in his life he must have tripled them today. He raised his hand and knocked on the door, double checking it after the fact. 1319A. This was the right place alright, he knocked once more a bit heavily.

The door opened and there he stood before him an inch or two taller still maybe a bit more, but not much. He looked at Luka...

"Svo'k. Can I come in?"

Luka maybe waited for a bit of an acknowledgement or permission, maybe he didn't he was sort of outside himself right now and he walked past Svo'k and into the room. It was a single room, which made since for an ex Sith at his age. Luka looked around and waited for Svo'k to come in. He was looking for something and he wasn't sure what it was exactly. He turned to see Svo'k as the door shut behind the older ex-Sith and Jedi.

"It's so simple..."