A Guardian's Journal

Post by **Arty Orspach** » Wed May 08, 2024 5:35 am

I'm not sure how to start this, but some other Jedi said it was helpful to keep track of thoughts over time for future meditation and discernment of those thoughts. So I figured I'd give it a try...I don't know it I guess I'll see how it works. Sounds like something more suited for a consular or a sentinel honestly.

Anyway. Entry Number 1...I think, unless the above counts as an Entry? I don't know. I'm not going to be good at this. I guess...

Entry 1.5: Julian's Birthday

There that's better I think 1.5 feels right so I'll go with that. So today Julian is five years old, which is just insane to me. It feels like it was only yesterday he was just born...and I was getting my arm chopped off by Svo'k's kid...that wasn't fun and neither was his birth really, because Qiana was going into labor and she was in the room and I was just over being attended to medically because aside from my arm I had a lot of blood coming out of me from various cuts and a couple of deep lacerations from the plate glass window I smashed into. Lets not ever do that again...that was awful.

Anyway, I remember getting up from Surgery and I hadn't really been with Qiana all that long, we were still new but I knew I loved her and I knew I wanted to care for her and her baby. Yeah, so I woke up from surgery and I wasn't really feeling all that great, but I remember the first thing I wanted to do was see her and Julian. I walked over to find her and I remember seeing her just cradling this little pink blob in her arms. It was just so different from what happened next. She motioned for me to come over and asked me if I wanted to hold him. I was scared especially with my new arm but it felt like my old one to a certain extent and I had spent a bit of time staring at it and testing it with basic motions before I got up and found them.

So I picked him up carefully, probably more carefully than anything I have ever picked up in my life at that point. He was so warm from what I could tell from my real arm, he was so soft too...and I instantly just had this instinct to cradle his head. I'm sure someone probably taught me that, but the teaching wasn't what came to mind, it was just natural. He felt so fragile in my arms that I just wanted to protect him, I looked down into his purple eyes, they were and are so cool and I felt this instant and intense love for this little pink blob in my arms...but he became more than that so quickly. he in that moment I think became my son and Qiana knew it too. I sat down and held him for a long while, I was just a kid, but I already knew I was a father...even if not biologically as THAT hadn't happened yet and I was in no real hurry for it either.

Anyway, today is his birthday...yeah...I mentioned this. Force I suck at this. Anyway, I was on world at the temple to I got to spend the day with him. It was great. We had a little party, some of the other younglings came over and he got a few gifts, nothing major because we're Jedi and all, but I modified his belt for him so it can be adjusted as he grows. I actually even added a few neat features that are specifically suited to him and what I see his fighting stance developing into. He had his training saber and even carefully...under my supervision lightly sparred with a few of his friends. Nomi....is going to be his biggest challenge, it's more than obvious....she's good, but so is he.

I watched them spar for quite a bit and then I caught myself looking at my arm, and I thought about a couple of the other scars I had...and....I just had this intense feeling that I absolutely did NOT want Julian to be a Jedi. I looked down at my arm and back at him several times and the thought just became more and more intense. I knew that one day I could lose him, especially as he is turning out to be a young Guardian. I don't know what to do with that thought. He's good....and he'll only get better. So he'll be in combat a lot and maybe he'll be lucky enough to only lose a hand or maybe nothing....I don't know, but he could die before me or Qiana and that's just....horrifying to me. I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him like I did as a baby and shield him from all the evil in the universe so that nothing would harm him. I don't think I've ever been as scared and helpless as I felt in that moment today...not even staring at red lightsaber that could kill me at any moment....probably because I was in control and I could decide my fate with my training...this...is different. I am helpless to protect him...my son...my only son and I just don't know. It would be wrong of me as a Jedi and even as a father to take him away from here. It wouldn't be fair to him, he loves it so much and as far as the order is concerned, it wouldn't be right....

But how am I going to look Qiana in the eyes if we lose him? How am I going to live with myself? Maybe I should talk to Master Winterhold or someone who has a kid...I don't know. It's a heavy thought and I just don't know what to do with it at this point. I just know that I am sick to my stomach at the thought of him going through the same pains I've been through...and possibly worse. Being a Jedi is good, but it's a hard life and I just don't know that I really want that for my son...

So yeah...entry 1.5 I guess.